Linn-Benton Backwash

WEATHER WARNING – ATTENTION, RESIDENTS OF LINN AND BENTON COUNTIES: It’s colder than a warlock’s staff, and I’ve not once, but twice nearly busted my a*s after slipping on the icy surface outside. Now, if I’m going to slip and fall with my catlike reflexes, well, you’re certainly going to. So on behalf of us here at The Corvallis Advocate, I implore you to subscribe to a grocery delivery service and stay inside of your house until it’s safe, like… until March. Or May, depending.

There was an interesting event with a cat on the 15^th here in Corvallis, when the cops were called over two people arguing about whether or not they were the better cat bed builder. Someone was poked in the forehead. On the same day, a bunch of reports came in that some idiot was wandering around 53^rd Street trying to force his way inside houses after claiming he was trying to borrow some WiFi. He had a sweet pair of yellow shoes on. If you see this guy around, call the cops and tell him you’ve got Comcast and can’t spare the bandwidth. Because there’s a cap on your network now, after all. This must have been Comcast’s plan all along: inadvertent justice.

Albany takes the top spot in the news this week due to a theft of three chainsaws from a residence on Mount Hope Drive. That’s three chainsaws. Three. Because chainsaws.

Speaking of Albany and Linn County in general, folks in government approved a new zoning something or other for marijuana, related to its ability to be grown, processed, etc. In other words, they’re still playing a game of grab-a*s with the inevitable.

The Lebanon Log: When we opened our 13^th door on the Christmas calendar, here’s what happened: a syringe was found in a hedge, a stereo was stolen from a car, some lady pissed in a parking lot on Main Street, someone stole Christmas lights, and some inflatable holiday lawn ornaments were slashed. Then on the 15^th some kids chucked a bunch of rock-filled snowballs at cars on 5^th Street. ‘Tis the season and all that.

By Johnny Beaver