Every once in a while there’s something worth reporting that’s actually positive (normally I loathe the stuff), but check this out: Olympic swimmer and Crescent Valley alumni Jacob Pebley has come to Corvallis. No, not to enjoy our Burgerville that everyone was obsessed with for a week, then forgot about completely. No, he’s here to teach kids to swim well. And frankly, that warms my cold, shriveled heart. I’m a little disappointed that no safety precautions seem to have been made to guard against pool lobsters, but rural towns like ours are usually a little backwards.
Our very own Corvallis Police Department is carrying out some kind of pedestrian safety operation. My guess is that it’d be about half as effective as banning all of these jackas*es on bicycles, since two-wheeled Corvallisites can’t seem to learn how to turn AT &#@ DAM* FOUR WAY STOPS WITHOUT NEARLY GETTING HIT AND SUBSEQUENTLY FLIPPING THE CAR OFF. Ahem.
Staples, or what I like to call “rustic Office Max,” will be closing their horribly chosen location near the Radio Shack, or what I like to call “place where you can spend twice as much on everything.” The good news? I already told you about that. The swimming stuff.
Above Darkside Cinema, a wild fun has appeared: The Escape Room. You show up with a bunch of people, search for clues and stuff, and eventually find a combination that will let you out. I’d like to go into more detail, but all I can think about is how much it reminds me of Advocate staff meetings, or the Saw franchise.
Oh, so the Beavers beat some team the other day. Chicago Bears maybe? Anyway, the parking downtown wasn’t too bad, so go Beavs! “Beavs.” Good lord, who thought of that? If anyone called me a Beav, I’d defecate in my own hand and duct tape it to their garage door. I admit stealing that idea from Haggard, though the “own hand” thing is my own modification. Makes it more personal.
By Johnny Beaver