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linnbentonbackwash1In a small town, news travels fast (yes, we’re a small town), so I won’t waste any of your time discussing the football hazing incident that occurred in and around Philomath High School’s team. What I will tell you, however, is that they’ve canceled the football version of what Michael J. Fox played basketball for during Teen Wolf. To the half dozen players and single coach involved: thanks for screwing things up for everybody. For a bit it even looked like the junior varsity team (imagine if Teen Wolf were still cool, but like, not old enough to… eh. I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about) had been canceled, but nope! They get to play! No small victory for Philomath football fans.

School has started in Corvallis, and I’m completely unsure as to when that happened. I have, however, been going through like… somewhere between a third and a half-life crisis, and therefore can only think back on high school I know damn well getting up at 6:30 a.m. for four years wasn’t pleasant, nor was being a kid into industrial music when the Columbine shootings went down. But hey, on the plus side I dated a girl that crept into every last part of me, significantly shaping who I am today (yes, you can blame her) – and I only felt like tossing her into a cement mixer on Tuesdays and Fridays. Hi Amanda!

On the 13th, a gazebo officially opened (yep) in Lebanon next to the public library. Planning started three years ago, and now it’s finally done. Local reporting suggests that it is great for reading, sitting, and other stuff. It is also available for rent if you want to annoy everyone in the area by having some sort of loud shindig. It should be noted that this gazebo is significantly more superior than previous gazebos, considering it isn’t half-assed, tiny, or built right over the Oregon trail in the Walmart parking lot.

Headline of the Week: Ba-pew Ba-pew Pa-pew pew pew! DAILY DOUBLE. Immediately next to each other on the Lebanon Express website are headlines “Warriors continue winning streak” and “Warriors fall to Grizzlies.” Sure, it’s about two different teams. But we are under no obligation to fall victim to facts.

By Johnny Beaver

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