As most of you know by now, a Burger King was charbroiled last weekend. Obviously I’m not going to trade the fact that some people might be out of a job, or that one suffered minor burns, for a laugh. But, I’m going to laugh anyway, because it’s Burger King, and their Whoppers being flame-broiled may have just been a whopper before, but now they all… eh… dammit. It’s only funny when nobody gets hurt or gives a sh*t. Or the people that do care are terrible. Can we please burn down another one in a few years that I can properly giggle at? Is that too much to ask?
Last Friday an SUV went out of control leaving Willamette Park. I’m sure there was a perfectly good reason for speeding like a lunatic, but either way the thing rolled over and hit a guy who was just minding his own business. The driver, a 17-year-old human male, was not injured and is being charged with reckless endangering as well as fourth-degree assault. The victim was conscious at the time of being taken to the hospital, but as of writing this his condition had not been made public and may very well alter the charges against Mr. Speedy McGoPants up there.
The guy that just pleaded guilty in the Shari’s murder looks a hell of a lot like… you know that guy, he played Hawkeye and was in that one Bourne movie? Yeah, that guy. Totally looks like him. I mean, an older, kinda gruffer version. Definitely not the kind of guy that can shoot the wings off a fruit fly with a one-pound arrow from 150 yards. But still… looks a bit like him. Droopier.
The Lebanon Log: On the first of this month, a guy ran away from a traffic stop and was tased… tazed… taszed (we’ll go with this one); all he was being cited for was exhibition of speed. Later that morning someone reported that an enraged turkey had chased their son the day before. On the second, some warrants were handed out as per usual. Attention, criminals: stop going to Walmart and Mega Foods… they’re seriously just waiting for you there. On the fourth some guy Jackson Pollock’d it by stealing a 24 case of beer from Walmart and riding off with it on a bike (only he didn’t crash). Later that night, yet another garbage can fire cropped up at Safeway. And last but not least, boxes of used needles were found at least twice during that week… which, just… why would you throw those out?
By Johnny Beaver