Linn-Benton Backwash

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linnbentonbackwash1Panic, fires, black smoke… zombies. That guy at Safeway who takes his shirt off and does pull-ups on the cart return. This was the scene yesterday when Corvallisites realized that Taco Bell was closed for some kind of fancy renovations. When I asked one random citizen who was crying on the sidewalk outside of its 9th Street location, “How about Burgerville?” I was stabbed with a fork. I was subsequently accused of probably being “that Johnny Beaver a*shole from The Corvallis Turdvocate.” Guilty as charged.

Apparently there is some sort of housing plan in South Corvallis. Because it would involve building something, several dozen upstanding citizens blew their collective gaskets, veins bursting, eyes popping out, etc. And next week they’ll each be receiving a bill for $1,436.96 from Samaritan for their emergency room visit. A day later they’ll get another copy of the bill. The day after that? Another copy. But that was Sunday, silly me! Nope, they got one. Samaritan had them flown in through the chimneys with Harry Potter’s owl. The world’s most persistent, expensive urine test and low-dosage Lorazepam banquet.

I violently threw up Sponge Bob macaroni and cheese again the other day because I forgot to close my eyes while driving by those weird townhouses on Circle Boulevard. My God, they seriously look like the sexual offspring of a Cabbage Patch Doll and some SpaghettiOs. It’s like someone pulled a few LEGO pieces out of Satan’s a*shole and thought, “I bet blind people would really, really love this.”

Gazette-Times/Democrat-Herald/Lebanon Express visitors were hit this week with a seven-part “this won’t go away until you fill it out” survey on… “being hangry.” Honestly, you can’t make this stuff up. Best forced free user survey EVER. Ever.

Anyway, a medical student in Lebanon flamed out during a “race walk” (seriously, it’s called that) at an Olympic trial. Turns out the officials screwed the pooch and bounced her prematurely. I loved the “You just destroyed my Olympic dreams, I hope you’re happy” line she reportedly lobbed afterwards. Speaking of which, I had Olympic dreams once. No distance sitting was my best event.

The Lebanon Log will be taking a breather this week because I’m still really sick from having looked at those buildings.

By Johnny Beaver

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