Linn-Benton Backwash

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linnbentonbackwash1Last weekend the new Burgerville held a “soft opening,” during which they served burgers that seem awesome and worth the high price tag only because they’re far better than other fast food burgers (and smeared with enough tangy sauce to mask any confusion). The last thing Corvallis needs, besides an earthquake, is another chain store… but at least it’s a regional chain that has better sustainable practices than the chum-yards operated by Yum! Brands. Yeah, I’m looking at you, Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, and KFC.

On June 15 a homeless man was busted in Lebanon after breaking into The Main Event and stealing a few hundred dollars’ worth of hair and cosmetic stuff. He was tagged with second-degree burglary and third-degree criminal mischief, but what I can’t share with you is the joy of this man’s booking photo. Looking above the camera, as if summoned by a higher calling… with hair that, dare I say, seems freshly dyed. Self-actualization, people. Maslow… we’ve done it.

The next day a Corvallis woman was taken in by a phone scam that threatened her with jail time if she didn’t pay $2,400 to the IRS. Of course the caller was an FBI agent. Frankly, the most upsetting thing about this kind of scam isn’t even that people keep falling for it, it’s that… you know… aren’t we more creative than that? I’ve had high hopes for humanity all my life, but it has been nothing but disappointment. At least have the damn common courtesy to involve a government conspiracy involving aliens.

Have you taken a spin around the intersection of Circle and 9th Street lately? Yes? Then you’ve likely seen the abomination: a new apartment/townhouse thingy that look like a mixture of urban Miami gone wrong and a gingerbread house built by Cabbage Patch Kids. Seriously, these are amongst the most hideous structures I’ve ever seen. I know some forces around here are fighting the good fight to gentrify the hell out of this area of town, but good God, people, hire an architect that isn’t blind, on peyote, and obsessed with Martha Stewart. I feel like it’s my right to drive around where I live without having to throw up in my mouth whenever I pass by some overpriced rich student bait.

Apparently the fight over accommodations that will help the homeless not freeze to death this winter in Corvallis rages on in the form of a $500,000 lawsuit against the Corvallis Homeless Shelter Coalition. To be honest, though, I’m as sick of this as you are, so I think I’ll leave it for the straight reporting. Besides, I’ve got vomit to clean off my shirt. Just got back from a trip to the UPS store and I caught sight of those buildings.

By Johnny Beaver
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