Linn-Benton Backwash

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linnbentonbackwashWhen I was two, I pooped on the couch. It happens. But little did I know, 32 years later my actions would make me a trendsetter. On May 23 a 54-year-old Corvallis man dropped his pants and took a righteous dump in the middle of an aisle at the downtown Safeway. After that he wandered into a random house and pooped on the couch, just like me. The police report he was seemingly under the influence of some sort of inhalant.

Spotted in Corvallis: Some lady wearing a combination of a bedazzled ninja outfit and bicycle gear. Also, a double sign-wielding street preacher on campus—one which had a picture of space and a message that suggested atheists would crumble once they had to start thinking about the Universe. Because there are no atheists in science.
According to the Gazette-Times, OSU’s baseball team has done really well. So well, in fact, that they have “cliched” the series. Not the funniest typo I’ve ever seen, but I’ll take what I can get. Typos are so common around here that I don’t even noitice them anymore.

According to Corvallis police reports, a man was arrested on May 26 with a dagger in his waistband. A… “dagger.” I didn’t know those existed outside of like, 1988’s Willow. A dagger. A dragon-killing, troll-stabbing, gilded-handle, warlock on top of Thunder Mountain human-sacrificing dagger? A 1982’s Beastmaster starring Marc Singer as the titular “Dar,” Voldemort and Ming the Merciless wrapped up into one *^&# ^$%##@… dagger? I love it. Next time someone should get busted smuggling parts to an anti-ogre ballista in one of those behind-bicycle baby carriages.

LBCC has announced a new “Visual Communications” degree to replace the graphic design program that was canned in 2013 and they had an “oops, we didn’t know we were even still offering that” moment. Now they will help swell the ranks of OSU’s graphic design path, which produces graduates that go on to exciting careers in design firms. Where they’ll work under Fine Arts BFA graduates who steal the creative director gigs. Bwahaha and such.

Thanks to a May 14 report by the Linn County Sheriff’s Office, I laughed so hard I thought I was going to lose a tooth. Apparently on Kgal Drive, people were “physically fighting.” As opposed to what, having a psychic battle?

By Johnny Beaver

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