Linn-Benton Backwash

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linnbentonbackwashBenton County Weather Update: It will rain eventually. You will still not use an umbrella, because what the hell is wrong with Oregonians? Also, last week there was a “funnelyish cloud” near Albany. Coming from Florida where hurricanes used to spawn them like buckshot… it was adorable. I named it Charlie.

The Linn County Sheriff’s Office reported that a really drunk guy put a bullet in his leg after trying to shoot a lock off. Myth. Busted. Take that, Hollywood.

A human turd by the name of Peter Joseph Jennings (reportedly 25, but looks about 50) was busted by the Benton County Sheriff’s Office the other day for operating a “traveling asphalt paving scam.” His brilliant idea was to secure contracts, do a terrible job, and then charge far more than what had been agreed upon. How this man was caught will forever be a mystery. Actually, that’s it. He wanted to be caught. All part of the plan.

According to local inside sources, the end of spring term at Oregon State University is often coupled with a rash of broken laptop computer screens being brought in for repair. Strangely enough, the damage always looks like it was either caused by a fist, or that the entire laptop had been thrown… for example… across a room, into a wall. Now, I’m not sure if it is related, but since about week six I’ve had to fight the temptation to STRAIGHT UP KARATE CHOP THIS MOTHE&@%!%@ IN HALF. I’M JUST SO &^@! TIRED AND BROKE. FOOD OR SHELTER BE DAMNED, JUST LET ME GO! Ahem.

As you probably know… OSU fraternity Alpha Gamma Rho has been kicked to the curb until 2021 (with another two years of probation after that) over policy violations one can only describe as the Brolympics. No big deal, they just tortured some kids with loud music, executed “slaps” and “touching,” and did some violationy boozing and harassment. And then of course there was that thing back in 2006 where a member of the frat shot that homeless guy from his window. He was just shooting at the trash can, duh. Stupid witnesses describing frat members shooting people out of windows with BB guns regularly. We’ll throw y’all a big party in 2021!

 

 

By Johnny Beaver

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