Finally at the tail end of my three-year research program, Corvallis is hereby presented with a list of its Operating Procedures:
1. People are more likely to pay into a good cause if there is a Brillo Pad of an adorable puppy circling about near the cash drawer. His name is not Chewy, but I want it to be soooo bad.
2. There’s nothing strange about guys dressed like Christopher Meloni’s Wet Hot American Summer character running down raised curbs, jumping over bushes, and performing sub-parkour (see what I did there?) moves—this is merely hippie ninja training. Same goes for that Safeway employee that keeps taking his shirt off to do pull-ups on the cart return.
3. No single community “scene” may host an event that isn’t diluted by competing events due to a complete lack of communication or respect for one’s contemporaries.
4. No local business is allowed to leave without being replaced by a chain establishment. Four out of five incoming businesses must be restaurants.
5. Everyone must make their left turn off of 9th Street onto Van Buren Avenue in such a way that they illegally sweep out into the far right lane because, to hell with the rules, we gotta get in line for 34 or downtown.
Last Saturday a new Albany resident awoke to find a grand total of five gravestones in their yard. Police did some research on The Google and discovered that they are totally unrelated and were likely stolen from all over the city. These things are heavy as hell (some required more than two officers to lift), so I guess don’t ever call criminals lazy. Or something.
Seven graduates of Lebanon High School were recently inducted into the “LHS Hall of Fame,” which nobody knew existed until just then. Strangely enough, one woman who was inducted, Dorothy Page, had to be kept in the dark because she helped create the Hall of Fame. In fact, it’s called the Bud & Dorothy Page Hall of Fame. Getting inducted into your own shindiggery, eh? Highly suspicious, lady.
By Johnny Beaver