Linn-Benton Backwash

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linnbentonbackwash1Last Sunday, kids from all over Linn and Benton counties were observed running around, dressed as rabbits, collecting eggs and whining about having to go to church. Experts from the CDC have flown in to investigate the possibility of a brain virus. However, some locals believe it all to just be the harmless result of Satanic possession. Either way, it freaked me the hell out. Parents, you’re doing it wrong.

In spring of 2014, Gale Fogelstrom of Monroe was minding her own business when some dude-bro decided to fire off a ton of rounds of ammunition at a target (that he obviously missed), striking her once in the a*s and again in the lower back. Despite her screams, the shooter, Jeffrey Fields, basically did nothing. She has now filed a $2.3 million lawsuit for pain and trauma, as well as another quarter of a million dollars for future medical expenses. Fields was convicted last year of assault and reckless endangerment, despite pleading not guilty. Strange how that happens.

I recently encountered a survey on The Gazette-Times website: “Do you agree or disagree: There are some TV shows that I am passionate about and look forward to watching every week.” Passionate sounds like one hell of a weird word for it, but hey, I ain’t judgin’.

In June the famous Albany Carousel and Museum will be breaking ground on a new space that they hope to complete in a year. It’ll cost $5.6 million, which is roughly equal to 5,656,567 99-cent burritos. Despite not actually working, as in turning around and stuff, there are an estimated number of 2,000 to 2,500 people that visit the project every month. Some people are pissed off about the diversion of taxpayer dollars to private interest groups, but what do those fools know?

The Lebanon Log: On March 17 some buttbag went around town shooting cars, sheds, trucks, windows, and other things with a paintball gun—this lasted from 7:56 a.m. until 5:50 p.m. On March 18, a trailer outside of Backyard BBQ was also shot with a paintball (probably by the same idiot). On March 19 a man was punched in the face outside of Merlin’s Bar, and on March 20 an injured turkey was reported in the road on Santiam Highway. By the time March 21 rolled around, two dead turkeys were found on South Main, only they weren’t dead (don’t ask). And as for March 22, the classiest of crimes was committed when some guy pissed on a fence.

By Johnny Beaver

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