Linn-Benton Backwash

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linnbentonbackwash1Breaking news on the website platform being used by the Gazette-Times and their sister papers: If you try to click past the asinine survey questions really fast so you can just read the $#@!% articles, it’ll tell you that you went too fast and make you do it again. The nerve of the damn thing! Yeah, that’s right, stupid website. Why don’t you meet me down one of those alleys where the homeless people supposedly poop and we’ll throw down? I’ll jump rope with your intestines, you son of a b*tch!

Same old news about our own website. It remains so ugly it’s sort of cute, in a way, or at least that’s how our publisher is rationalizing how dumb it looks.

Last November OSU PhD student Shilog Sundstrom was killed in a hit and run while walking down Highway 34. The Linn County’s DA office has now issued a statement that they don’t intend on filing any charges against the driver because they found no evidence of reckless driving or criminal negligence. The driver claims to have turned around to see what he bumped into and saw nothing. I guess the only thing to hope for now is that said driver isn’t lying and getting away with it.

Corvallisite Braden Michael Kingsley was arraigned earlier in March on a dozen charges including assault, sodomy, incest, and sexual abuse. He was arrested when he was 16 under allegations that he sexually abused a 14-year-old and is being tried as an adult. Wow, so I guess this is just going to be a really depressing edition of the Backwash?

Or maybe not… BIG NEWS: Benton is number 3 in county “health rankings,” while Linn is number 22. Yawn. Why the hell is that the big headline going around? What I find most amusing about the report it’s based on, which grades all 36 Oregon counties on a number of metrics, is that Benton got bad marks for housing issues, excessive drinking, STDs, and income inequality. Booya! Who’s a bada*s now?

The Lebanon Log: March 12 popped off with a dumpster fire (the best kind of fire, as you know) near Entek, followed up by two warrant arrests at Walmart—letting the retailer pass MegaFoods for the most popular warrant arrest location. Later that day someone stole $168 worth of nail polish from Rite Aid. On March 13 police bounced a man from a place called Wild Hair, which I find hilarious for unknown reasons. And as for March 14? Well, callers reported a “buildup of human feces” at a transient camp, a man was arrested while trying to set a dumpster on fire (see? best kind), and someone fired paintballs at cars parked at the Canaga Tire Factory.



By Johnny Beaver

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