Linn-Benton Backwash

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linnbentonbackwash1Remember Campus Crest and the plan for a 900-unit student housing complex near Witham Oaks? Just wanted to let y’all know that the project has changed hands, but is still plugging away. I’d tell you to whose, but half the fun about getting all pissed off and stuff is the research. I highly recommend Google—the official search engine for all my daily needs, and for the Linn-Benton Backwash.

Crowfoot Grocery is my personal favorite of all the dumpy independent markets in Lebanon, and so I am sad to report that it was rocked by violence. From what I’ve gathered from my expert investigative reporting, one idiot punched another idiot in the face a bunch of times after breaking his car window. Then the idiot that got punched shot at the other idiot’s car with a 9mm pistol. In true hillbilly shootout style, nobody was hit. And both idiots were arrested. Good times.

Speaking of idiots, here’s another play-by-play for you, set in Albany: some idiot ran from the cops when they tried to pull him over, crashing into another car (which resulted in two minor hospitalizations), and then hopped out and ran on foot. He didn’t get very far, succumbing to a successful arrest by Albany police (my favorite police in Oregon, btw), and hit with cool charges like being hammered behind the wheel, eluding on foot, felony eluding (hahah), and sucking as a driver. Oh, and he was tagged for not registering as a sex offender. Turns out this idiot had a warrant out in Texas for domestic assault and strangulation. It’s like dude, wtf. Overachiever. Honestly though, gotta love those car chases that end on foot. Classic.

Last Wednesday, Albany City Council members voted to change an ordinance so people can bring pigs into the city. There are a bunch of codes regulating the size of pens, how many pigs you can have, etc., but really, who gives a sh*t? Pigs are awesome. Even that dastardly Hoggish Greedly of Captain Planet fame, who in reality isn’t nearly as bad as all the climate change-denying right-wingers.

The Lebanon Log: Update in the saga of the Rob Hess evaluation drama: sorry, I fell asleep reading it. Twins were born on Leap Day, prompting an article in the Express that started out with the customary joke about their first birthday not being until 2020, followed by an identical joke a few lines down. But congratulations to the parents nonetheless. Just don’t let them grow up to be like the turd that stole an 18-pack and 30-pack of Busch beer from Walmart on March 5, because ew. That’s like stealing poop.

By Johnny Beaver

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