Several new matters have been brought to the center of social debate this year, one of the most significant issues being that of vampire rights. Ever since a catastrophic earthquake occurred in Corvallis, causing our vampire population to emerge from the dark depths beneath the town, local human rights activists have turned their focus to issues facing young vampires, especially that of a vampire’s right to publicly funded education.
This month, the Supreme Corvallis City Council finally found a solution to the question of where a young vampire could get a safe, sunlight-free college education. The answer was not immediately apparent until Supreme Council member and Liberocratic Party spokesperson Viktor Erasmus, also a vampire, suggested that the newly discovered caves beneath the surface of Washington Park would be an ideal place to build vampire-friendly classrooms extending from the neighboring LBCC Benton Center.
Fifty years ago, city council members sought to keep Washington Park pristine and college-free. However, since the arrival of our pale new friends, local advocates have had a change of heart. This Monday, Benton Center President Fidelberg Baxter announced that eight classrooms, along with several unisex restrooms and a dining hall, were all in blueprint phase. Construction will begin as early as this fall, said Baxter, and the underground structure should be completed by the fall of 2067.
Young vampires around Oregon are hopeful that this chance for them to receive higher education will put them on equal footing with their day-walking peers. Corvallis High vampire valedictorian Arabella Hemlock told our Advocate reporter how excited she was about the Supreme Council’s decision: “I couldn’t be happier to know I get to attend the prestigious junior college 12 months after I graduate. I wanted to take a year off to backpack through Europe before starting school, so the timing is perfect.” This one’s for you, Arabella.
By Kiki Genoa