The only things louder than HP’s (rather sad) fireworks display last weekend were the boos and moans coming from outside Corvallis City Hall. After approaching the protest, I quickly realized that signs had been traded in for pitchforks and bicycle pumps. Asking what the hubbub was all about, someone shouted, “It’s one of those Loafers, GET HIM!” and I was subsequently punched in the face. Waking up, I found myself hog-tied over a fire near the South Town Co-Op. Chants of “We are vegans, but we’re still gonna eat him!” sung out into the night. As I wondered what kind of seasonings and sauce would be used, an elder of the group approached, took two sniffs, and had me cut down. “Come with me,” he said in a voice far too young for the grizzled visage before me. I followed.
Once out of sight, the elder reached up and pulled away a floppy mask, revealing a muscular, shirtless, cowboy-hat wearing man who could only be… no, it couldn’t… but it was! Frank Barish for President, 2016. Please visit www.facebook.com/
“The mob back there,” he said, grinning, “those fools thought you were Jimmy J. Danger. See, they’re after them Laughing Loafer boys. ”
“But I’m…” I started to say.
“I know you ain’t him. You’re an a*shole, he’s got class. But class ain’t gonna do a boy no good when they wanna take a piece out of old Jimmy and digest it during a yoga session, damn Lumineers rattling from a lone Bluetooth speaker and what not.”
“We may not agree on everything, Barish, but I thank you for saving my life.”
“Just doing my duty to the American people. Ain’t no good reason www.laughingloafer.com hasn’t been visited by every good folk in these parts,” he noted.
As Barish rode off into the sunset… which was weird because he didn’t have a horse or anything… he turned around and said with a wink, “I reckon they’d even enjoy visiting it on Facebook via www.facebook.com/
And just like that, he was gone. Around the corner, like, I think on 4th and Monroe.
By Johnny Beaver