Benton County Upchuck

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benton_county_logoThe Timberhill security wall was breached for the 47th time in the last year as the inbred offspring of those that holed themselves up after The Big One spilled out into the suburbs in search of new mates and Totino’s pizza rolls. And toilet paper. Ft. Winco’s Ninja Strike Force responded with vicious resolve, repelling the mutants before most citizens even had realized the breach had occurred.

A major accident occurred last week over the greater Monmouth metropolitan area as two Apple iSkycopters crashed into one another and fell about 1,500 feet into the electro-fusion-stasis net and other such futuristic stuff. Because this is the future. A giant spider with four human heads, nine legs, and a lunchbox was hit by the debris on its way to the local culinary academy. Because this is the future and there are those now, too.

Brownsville’s 35th annual Quakin’ Cookoff went off without a hitch—literally they banned hitches in 2026. Nobody knows why. Shut up. I’m doing my best here.

Cybernetically enhanced (because it’s the future) Nancy Wike just erected her 17th Cowardly Kitty restaurant. This one, constructed as a single-seat chow house inside the bathroom of another Cowardly Kitty, promises to let you enjoy wonderful Cowardly Kitty grub while you also enjoy wonderful Cowardly Kitty grub. The double restaurant is being lauded by some as revolutionary and a sign of a new age. Wike, motivated by a fear of extremists blowing up her downtown commercial buildings, came to prominence for refusing to lease space to this paper because of its public empathy for a French satire publication that had been attacked by terrorists in 2014. The commercial structures were devastated by the 2031 quake and she used the insurance money from that to launch her restaurant chain.

Archaeologists out of like, North Dakota, or something, have announced breakthrough findings in the search for Adair Village. Just three miles from the center of the new ultra dump, a really boring piece of picket gate fence was found alongside a case of unopened Ensure.

 The Lebanon Memorial Log: Still no word from the great chasm that swallowed the city whole. It has been 35 years… we fear all is lost. And of course by all we’re talking about the part of the Oregon Trail that the Super Walmart parking lot was built over.

By D’Artagnan Beaver

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