As the State Turns: Special Marlboro Man Meets Computers and Reporters Edition

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stateturnssymbolOh boy. So, I’m going to level with you. We all know that what’s going on in Harney County is a great big bumbling joke. We’ve heard this and we’ve heard that, some people are choosing to turn this into a debate about how the federal government deals with everyone who isn’t Caucasian, some can’t read very well and have sided with the Bundys’ “right” to be there, others won’t shut up about it because they love the drama. Yadda yadda, blah blah, etc. Point being, you’ve heard it all and I’m sure just are kind of over this ridiculous situation and would like to read about something else. However, as a state news commentator of sorts (heavy on the “of sorts”), I’m compelled by the laws of somethin’ or other to talk about it anyway. Let’s then do ourselves a favor, skip the obvious, and only take a look at the current talking points.

Away we go…

FBI, OPB Mistakenly Believe Militants Able to Use Computers
The FBI has expressed concern that members of the occupying militia may have accessed computers at Malheur National Wildlife Refuge. Oregon Public Broadcasting claims to have witnessed said militants “interacting” with computers that can only be “interacted” with by using ID badges. I know you couldn’t have seen this because you’re reading this after the fact, but I just keeled over laughing and coughed up part of my delicious Market of Choice cheese and jalapeno bagel. Honestly, the only interacting with computers these deer-and-the-antelope-play get-off-my-lawn halfwits are capable of involves their genitals and a strong electric shock. I’ll admit, when I was about 10 or so and first heard the term “cyber sex,” I had the same thought. But these are grown-a*s men. Good grief. Maybe if someone chucked some Adderall over the fence and they concentrated, to the point of nose bleeds, they’d have been able to log on to Facebook. Maybe.

The Bundys’ Milkshake Brings All the Nuts to the Yard
Last Saturday yet another group of tough guys showed up to the party, the Pacific Patriots Network. Partnered with people that call themselves Oath Keepers, Constitutional Guardians, and even Bearded Bastards, these yokels claim on their website to be “[their] communities’ first responders.” Well, they’re like a week late now, aren’t they? Well, yes and no.

Dressed in cool commando gear, they were actually the organizers of the Jan. 2 rally in support of the Hammonds. They say they do not condone the Bundy occupation, but they saw an awesome opportunity to get all dressed up. So now they’re back, inserting themselves “as a buffer between the government authorities and the refuge authorities as a neutral moderating space,” according to a group founder, Joseph Rice. And that buffer is, of course, armed to the teeth. Whee!

See, the last time I checked, not a shot had been fired, nor even a weapon aimed. Maybe they should pack their sh*t up and go home, sit on the couch, crack open a Busch or whatever nasty inbred beer they drink, and watch some sports. I’m sure their cousin-wives won’t even mind if they wear their Halloween army getup while they do it.

Interesting Developments
•One Burns resident who visited the Bundy encampment came back stating that hey, he’s not afraid, they’re cowboys, just like himself. Well hell, if only we had known that sooner!

•On Jan. 5 some idiot militant named LaVoy Finicum camped outside with just a rifle to keep him company because he thought there would be an FBI raid. Seriously, are all of these guys named like hobbits?

•Ammon Bundy has failed to answer a single hard question when in front of reporters, but this is likely because he didn’t understand them. Representatives from local news outlets have promised to speak slower in the future.

•Ryan Bundy has both said that they must have guns to be taken seriously, and that they only have guns to protect themselves. This is the sort of logic that results from being dropped on your head as a child. To further prove this, he called people who liken his group to terrorists “liars.” They’re only liars if they’re saying something they know to be untrue. Personally, this reporter doesn’t think they’re organized or smart enough to be terrorists, but still. Lying is in the dictionary, bro; ask someone smart to look it up for you.

Deep Thoughts
I’m not going to sit here and say that I feel the government isn’t corrupt. In fact, I believe any kind of system like this tends to get just as corrupt as it can get away with. It’s nature. However, are we Americans out of options to get things done without dressing up like the Marlboro man, grabbing a rifle, and camping out in a nigh-abandoned building that’s nearly in the middle of nowhere? I think not. Let’s get some money shipped out to the school systems in areas where these chuckleheads are bred, for Pete’s sake.

In the immortal words of the Internet: what the, I don’t even.

By Johnny Beaver

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