Portland to Get Boozier
Ever heard of the Oregon Liquor Control Commission (OLCC)? Well, those are the jokers that control… liquor… in Oregon. Er. Well anyway, they’ve just decided to point their God-fingers and pick out 14 new stores to sell booze in the Portland area.
As of right now there is one booze depot per 25,000 Portlanders, which is just annoying. I mean, who has time to wait for 24,999 people to buy their Fireball and delicious Popov Vodka before they can get to the counter and purchase “the biggest tequila shooter [they’ve] got, because I have to smuggle it into my place of work, but I still want it to do some damage?” That’s right, nobody.
Now, don’t get too excited. At least four of the new locations will be Walmarts—two of those having selections similar to full-sized liquor stores. Is there anything sadder than buying hooch at Walmart? Yes, Prince’s death, but we’ll get to that.
In related news, many grocery companies throughout the state have been collecting signatures to try to get a measure out this fall that would strip some OLCC governing power and allow stores to buy and sell liquor without training wheels.
Oregon Political Update
Last week presidential primary hopefuls Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump both opened offices in Oregon. Hoorah! Hillary constructed hers out of tens of thousands of delegates that Bernie Sanders was unable to secure, while Trump went right to work in the men’s bathroom of a Gresham Super Walmart. Of course, neither of them really cares that much about Oregon. Offering up just over 100 delegates, we’re kind of like a dollar in the gutter of the national landscape. Sure, they’ll pick it up, but it ain’t no thang.
From another angle, Bernie Sanders supporters are numerous and loud in the state’s most populous city and hope to capture some crumbs for the man whose first name has spawned a million Internet memes. Thanks to our top-tier contacts here at The Corvallis Advocate, I was able to interview the bird that landed on Sanders’ podium a while back.
Johnny Beaver: So, that podium shtick, that was good stuff. Tell us more about it.
Bird: Crazy, I know, but really, I was just looking for a place to take a nice beer %$@!. I had been hanging out at Ninkasi headquarters in Eugene for a few weeks and decided to visit some friends up in Vancouver. When ya gotta go, ya gotta go. Hell, I’m a Repelican.
Prince Pulls a Bowie
The 57-year-old musical genius Prince Nelson Rodgers was found dead last Thursday. While between the time of writing this and publishing it, the world will likely have learned what the cause of death was, it doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that, as it turns out, way more people really loved Prince than anyone had ever thought! In fact, most Oregonians have reported that every last person on their Friends List had been personally touched enough by Prince to warrant a gaudy, purple post about how their life would have never been the same.
Lucinda Lastname from Toledo said the following as she threw out decades-old Bon Jovi posters: “Hell no, I never listened to no Bon Javi, Bon Jovus, whatever it’s called. I was 100% Prince, all the time.”
The Crescent Valley High School Emo Kids Club also commented, saying, “We’ve been into Prince all along. That’s why there’s all this purple, and why our eye makeup looks like we’ve been crying. It’s because that’s what doves do, man. My Chemical Romance was just a smokescreen.”
At least one man from Eugene had gotten confused and edited his “‘Chocolate Rain’ hit-maker Tay Zonday Passes Away” post after two hours of airtime to reflect a more Prince-centric look. We won’t judge him, though. I’d freak out if Tay Zonday passed.
Now, we saw all of this before recently—back in January with David Bowie. Back then all the Prince fans of today were Bowie-only fans. In fact, similar reports have been coming in from all over the country. How the hell is this possible?
The only reasonable explanation is trans-dimensional time travel.
By Johnny Beaver