As the State Turns

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stateturnssymbol12-Year-Old Thugette Arrested in PDX
A 12-year-old girl was arrested last week and subsequently charged with misdemeanor assault and harassment. Apparently she and another middle school girl got into a tiff and the arrestee grabbed the other by the hair and dragged her around the classroom. I can admit, that’s pretty thug, but she ain’t got sh*t on that heat-packin’ 10-year-old from Sweet Home (see this week’s Linn-Benton Backwash).

Portland police are allowed to cuff and detain kids under 12 so long as they pose a serious threat, so I guess girly here just missed the cutoff, or maybe she avoided it. Anyway, kids, this is why you buzz your hair before entering a combat theater.

Utah to Test Oregon Rape Kits
A $2 million national grant will shed new light on 2,800 untested rape kits from Multnomah, Marion, and Lane counties. While there are more untested kits than that, these are prioritized for being near their statute of limitations. Yes, that’s right. We live in a state where this many rape kits can go untested for so long that the cases can approach their statute of limitations. This number is dynamic, depending upon the circumstances of the case, but ranges from 6 to 25 years.

Utah is taking one for the team by accepting responsibility for getting all of this forensic material processed. Now, you may not think much of Utah, but they are responsible for some awesome stuff. SLC Punk, for example, is a great film. And Mormons. And SLC Punk.

Booze Nooze
According to a study from the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, whatever the hell that is, up to 24% of Multnomah County residents have drank heavily or gone on a bender—er, a drinking binge—in the last month. They define “binge” as anything more than four drinks at a time for a woman, or five for a man. Heavy drinking is more than one drink a day for a woman, and more than two for a man.

But what does it all mean? It means that Multnomah County folk are heavier drinkers than any other county in the state… and also way far behind most 16-year-olds in Denmark.

Benton County clocked in at 23%, Lane at 22%, and Jackson at 21%. Who sucks the most at drinking? That’s right, residents of fuddy-duffy Cook and Wheeler counties.

Linn County was reported as having a… nah, I’ll leave them alone this time.

Two-Rod Letdown
I heard some exciting news about a new two-rod license, but it turned out to be about fishing. ::drumroll crash:: No? I thought it was funny.

Pollen Kicks Oregon in the Nuts
Back in January some science types were like, “Ah hell, y’all, the pollen count is crazy. It’s never this high this early. We don’t normally see anything like this until February!” Well let me tell you, those &^$@! are modern prophets. My eyes are leaking like sticky founts, both ears are quietly whimpering in pain, my schnoz is dripping weird stuff mixed with blood as a sinus infection looms, and I can barely speak because my throat feels like I’ve been swallowing gravel all day. I haven’t had an allergy attack this bad in seven years. The last time it happened I grew two big abscesses in my ears and projectile vomited at random. It was rad.

So what does the Weather Channel have to say? Very high pollen counts from now until forever. Whee! But hey, not all is lost, because we’re also about to have the hottest summer on record. What to do, what to do… eat local honey? Nope, unprocessed honey is gross (my opinion, calm down) and the chances that bees are actually making it out of the exact compound I’m allergic to is slim (considering they usually go for bright flowers, which rarely produce allergens). How about the ever-popular Neti Pot? It can be beneficial if used sparingly, but I still have PTSD from the last time I poured something up my nose. Which was tequila. Delicious, crispy tequila.

All I can say is this: Corvallisites, now is the time to buy air conditioners, fans, window blackout gear, ice, and gas masks.

By Johnny Beaver


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