As the State Turns

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stateturnssymbolKitzy Faces the Music

Mr. John “The Nickname” Kizhaber’s last-ditch effort to keep a bunch of private emails “inadvertently” archived by the state private has failed. Yep, now some “confidential” master-sifter is going to be digging through his naughty bits looking for stuff that pertains to the rough ‘n’ tumblin’ going on with Oracle over the botched Cover Oregon insurance marketplace.

I know, I’m sorry. This is boring as hell. How about something more exciting…

Impending Tire Doom

Seriously, did the caps at all help with that? Because according to state data, only 4% of car-faring Oregonians even use the damn things.

The Gift that Keeps On Pooping
Photos have emerged from the post-occupation Malheur Refuge… and they’re phenomenal. I honestly haven’t seen such compelling images since the first time I gazed upon the cream of Alfred Stieglitz’s crop. Making their patriotism and penchant for stewardship of the land obvious, there’s not a single square inch not covered in garbage—inside and out of the building. Holes knocked through walls, piles of trash bags, desecrated filing systems, desks, shelves. Random bits of nothing strewn across every flat surface. Clothing all over the place and half-empty bottles of booze.

Yeah, that’s right. Sort of like a college dorm.

Only, what you don’t see in a dorm… usually… is a big-a*s hole dug for pooping. At some point a pipe burst and the occupiers resorted to crapping in a shallow grave, which I find both hilarious and… no, that’s it, just hilarious.

In a conversation between activist Gavin Seim and husband and wife occupiers Sean and Sandy Andserson, Seim made the following statement:

“So it’s important then to note that any mess that the government comes in and portrays is because of their terrorizing of the people and scaring them out of there and trying to intimidate them.”

And there’s my big reveal, folks. It was, in fact, the FBI pooping in a hole as part of their grand scheme to intimidate the American people. You heard it here first.

Oh, and I almost forgot. LaVoy Finicum fans have been threatening to do cool stuff like burn Islamic holy texts and murder police and the governor. Because patriotism.

Birdie Sanders Lands At Rally
At a political rally in Portland, Bernie Sanders was all like, “Dudes, I can beat Trump, so vote for me!” Voting for someone because they can beat someone else sounds like a great reason to vote. Hell yeah.

At that same event a bird landed on his podium and people literally sh*t themselves, as if it could be anything but a sign from God that all Americans would be “hashtag feeling the bern” this November. It already berns when I pee, so I’m getting a head start on the action.

But what does it all mean? Essentially, if you don’t vote for this guy, you’re succumbing to corporate interests and will absolutely wind up in hell. Because 500,000 memes can’t be wrong, homies.

Charlie Hales’ War
Charlie Hales is a mayor on a mission. As he enters the final 10 months of his term, he has decided to grab Portland crime and homelessness by the gender-neutral groiny parts and pull, pull, PULL. Not until they snap off though, just like, right up to that point. You don’t want to snap anything off.

“I wanted to get a hot tub installed on top of city hall, and do something about getting a bouncy ball machine installed in my office, but I figured hell, I’ll just do some anti-crime stuff. And help people and stuff,” he said to nobody.

When he actually was speaking to people he detailed plans to start a public safety academy that would work with local schools, divert funds for city community centers, and to start the search for a successor named after a beer, because Mayor Sam Adams was awesome. I could totally see PDX led by someone named Wizard Island Wit, or Tricerahops.

Oregon’s New Youth Center
When people think of the influx of new homies to Oregon, they often think Portland. However, as it turns out, Salem has a much larger youth demographic. Experts think this could cause the Salem workforce to begin growing faster than Portland’s. In fact, the current “job boom” is larger than it has been in almost three decades.

 So, you know, I stand corrected. All of those anti-abortion billboards in and around the city have come in handy.

By Johnny Beaver

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