As the State Turns

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stateturnssymbolOregon Attorney General Does Thing Within Her Power
Ellen Rosenblum, who you may know from roles such as the Oregon Attorney General, has made the choice to demote the state Department of Justice’s criminal division chief counsel. The poor bastard, who goes by the name of Darin Tweedt, has held the position for the last five years. Why was he booted? It’s a mYsTeRy!

Only… it probably has something to do with the fact that his criminal division is currently being investigated regarding claims that they illegally surveilled Oregon citizens using the Black Lives Matter hashtag. Whoops!

Portland ‘Feels the Bern’
The recently held Bernie Sanders for President rally held in downtown Portland was nothing if not star-studded. Why, the Portland City Commissioner Steve Novick came out, arriving in his 1996 Lamborghini Diablo (in canary yellow), dressed in a suit made of material and wearing shoes that had soles. As people were reeling from his entrance, Milwaukie Mayor Mark Gamba shows him how it’s done as he parachuted through a red, white, and blue cloud of smoke, landing on the back of a Clydesdale. Several other officials had also made entrances, but nobody really cared because they just kind of parked somewhere and walked up.

After some hand-waving and a jumping high five that coincided with some fireworks and 1,000 doves being released, they publicly endorsed Sanders’ bid.

Several hundred of Portland’s 610,000 citizens attended.

Oregon Hits the Big Time
All of you know Hoarders, right? Where people help those with compulsive hoarding disorders while viewers sit back and say things like, “Oh my God, Becky… like, so gross!” Oh, you don’t watch that crap? Well, I guess you won’t care when I tell you that… ORGANIZATIONAL PROFESSIONALS FROM SALEM, HOOD RIVER, AND CORVALLIS WERE INVITED TO WORK ON AN EPISODE! HOLY CRAP!!!!! OH MY GAAAWWWWDDDD… WE’RE FINALLY ON THE MAP OF NATIONAL ENTERTAINMENT-AT-THE-EXPENSE-OF-OTHERS MEDIA!

Wolf Update
Remember back in the day when there was at least one uninteresting wolf update a week? Me, too. I miss those days. “OR-16 was spotted with a boner approaching some random wolfette from Idaho.” Damn, that was exciting. So, let’s check in on the Oregon wolves and see what’s up!

Things have been going well.

Right on. Well. It’s a start. Maybe someone will complain about a wolf eating their chicken or something soon. Always look on the bright side of life. ::whistles::

By Johnny Beaver

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