As the State Turns

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stateturnssymbolFor the second week in a row I am here to present updates on that friendly group of yokel militants occupying the Malheur Wildlife Refuge building. Known semi-affectionately as Y’all Qaeda, they’ve really captured a lot of our hearts—and funny bones—as they continue their botched protest. If you need to go microwave a bag of your favorite popping corn, go right ahead… I’ll wait right here for you.

Jon Ritzheimer (of “F*ck Islam” T-shirt fame), one of the militia “organizers,” recently posted a video on Facebook in what I can only imagine is a very poorly designed attempt at stopping people from mailing them… shall we say, stuff. And by stuff I mean glitter bombs, random items shaped like penises, and, in fact, a bunch of actual dildos. I can already imagine getting dildos in the mail myself from angry Corvallisites that didn’t want me to say dildo so many times in a single paragraph, but don’t blame me. This is national news!

Having pleaded for “snacks” and other weird things, the militia have also received fun items such as photographs of snacks from Huffington Post comedy writer Aaron Nemo. He also published instructions on how to do it, including a tip to throw in lists of TV spoilers and a final step that suggests giving actual food to a food bank, because “There are hungry people out there who aren’t just being dicks.” Furthermore, word on the street is that an Oregon judge will be sending the Bundy militia a bill for $70,000 a day to pay for security costs. Oh, did I forget to mention that a co-founder of the popular game Cards Against Humanity sent them a 55-gallon drum of adult lubrication?

What’s frustrating Y’all Qaeda so much is that none of these items were on their hilarious list of needs. What hilarious list of needs, you ask? The one that includes these things:

• Highly specific cigarettes: Marlboro Red 100’s, Marlboro Lights 100’s, Pall Mall Menthol 100’s, and Copenhagen Chew

• Eggs, “badly.” Why “badly,” no one can say.

• Tampons and pads

• Entire wardrobes of clothing, including a ton of “boxer briefs.” Tighty-whiteys just won’t do for big men with guns.

• Miracle Whip. I laughed really hard at this one for some reason.

• “Gaming Supplies” …one can only assume that they mean Mountain Dew and Doritos.

• Throw rugs; for the feng shui.

• Both sliced and shredded cheese. Because the more economic brick of cheese is too hard to cut up themselves.

• French Vanilla Creamer. If you send Amaretto, you will be shot.

• Wipes… for when Ammon Bundy needs changing. No diapers, though. He must use cloth.

• Both hot dogs and ‘’brats,” though I can’t imagine why. Didn’t they receive a bunch of rubber dongs in the mail?

• Money. Maybe for a vending machine?

• Oven cleaner. Either the federal government is nasty, or they are.

The list goes on. If you’ll remember, good old Ammon boasted that they were prepared to occupy that building for “years.” What I’m wondering is this: DID THOSE DUMB BASTARDS FORGET TO PACK ANYTHING? I mean great googley-moogley, folks! Am I dreaming, or are these really the most incompetent people ever to walk the Earth? Even Trump has told them to stand down. I know “lol” isn’t proper form for journalistic writing, but I just can’t help myself: lol. A big, fat, sloppy lol.

Angry Cow Pokes

Apparently fed up with being a huge goofy joke, the Bundy militants have started destroying public property. They’ve torn down cameras at the refuge (claiming they amounted to “unreasonable search” from the FBI), removed sections of fences so cattle can graze on public land, etc. One of them, apparently desperate for those snacks everyone keeps talking about, was arrested when he stole a federal vehicle and tried to drive to a Safeway about 30 miles away. There are a number of other things they’ve been railing on about, all ridiculous, but it has people nervous that the situation will escalate as opposed to fizzle.

One such worried group are the Pauit Indian tribe of the Burns area, who feel that important cultural relics are in danger, as well as sensitive records and habitats for wildlife. Apparently they were deterred by militia member Barnalockulus Finicum (or whatever his name is) stating “Derpa derp, the government is bad, we’re on the side of the Injuns!”

Either way, while things seem jovial at the moment, don’t forget that these guys and gals are armed nuts with poor critical thinking skills and very specific cheese needs. Let’s hope these updates stay positive

 By Johnny Beaver

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