As the State Turns

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stateturnssymbolStartling Discovery in Diet Research
Scientists from Oregon State University’s Advanced Food Unit have made the breakthrough of the century. By throwing together some figures with squiggles in them and performing a couple of rudimentary equations, they have found definitive proof that celiac disease has actually been on the rise due to a lack of gluten consumption. According to data dug up from 2015, only 1 in 100 people actually had celiac disease, despite the era having been responsible for the golden age of gluten-free food production. Nowadays 88% of the population blows it out both ends if they even take a whiff of the stuff. Or so we thought…

“It’s like that old movie, Idiocracy, only for wheat,” said lead scientist Dr. Goofball Sillynuts. “While it was great for those with celiac because they could finally put some variation in their diet, or go to a restaurant, I guess it finally caught up with us.”

When asked how they could explain such a major genetic shift in such a relatively short period of time, one researcher mumbled something obscene in the background while Dr. Sillynuts quickly interrupted, “Ahem, well, you see… there hasn’t been any genetic drift. We were actually just lying to secure grant money. The fact is, more people are just full of sh*t. But hey, at least they’re making themselves useful—not every imbecile can say that. My kids actually do have celiac disease and thanks to all of these folks they can eat pizza and brownies. Also, this is off the record.”

Johnny Beaver Shrine in Salem Desecrated… Again
In a fit of what we can only call irony, anti-Johnny Beaver demonstrators, still angry that they can’t differentiate social commentary via satire from reality, hurled their own excrement at his downtown Salem statue while shouting obscenities.

“This is the third time this week we’ve seen something like this from the perpetually offended,” said Salem Mayor Art Robsinson III. “All I can say is that I’ve known Johnny a long time, and in his retirement he’d be proud of everything y’all are doing to further your community. Nothing says ‘I’m helping’ like talking loudly and throwing your own crap around.”

It should be noted that Robinson III was never elected to office; he just kind of hangs out and people mostly leave him alone. As you well know, nobody of any importance will actually speak to a Corvallis Advocate reporter, so… we take all kinds, and we take what we can get.

Yet Another Bigfoot Hoax
The latest in a rash of Bigfoot sightings in the Gresham area has been exposed as another Washingtonian plot to discredit Oregon. Because Washington sucks and yes, this many years later we are still going on about that for no reason. Has it become funny yet? No? I’ll keep trying.

Anyway, while some are calling it an accident, others believe that one Daniel Berry of Spokane purposefully grew a grotesque amount of body hair, dropped his trousers and went around screaming in downtown Gresham last week—which is normally just par for the course around there, but Berry has already made a name for himself in the Vancouver area thanks to multiple arrests for performing lewd acts on a bear (always the same bear, just to make a note of it). He, of course, denies all wrongdoing—after all, it’s his bear (apparently there is a deed)—but authorities have linked him to the currently unnamed photographer that posted his photos on American Online last week with the caption “This is Bigfoot. Hashtag check it out.”

Though the actual Bigfoot was discovered about two decades back (and now leads the Republican Party of Idaho), it hasn’t deterred Sasquatch fanatics from their search.

New Califoregon Governor Votes to Secede
It’s been nearly a year since 2 million Californians declared loyalty to the State of Oregon “because it’s rustic and you can grow a legit beard,” thereby allowing us Oregonians to reap the benefits of taxing those bastards “if they’re always going to be up here driving like as*holes anyway.” Unfortunately it seems like 10 or so months was enough time for them to realize that they “didn’t really like the weather, and miss In-N-Out Burger” because over 86% of those living in New Califoregon just voted to un-secede from California proper by… going back to… back to California, yes. So it’ll be just like it was in 2015, if you’re like me and just got confused.

The measure, supported by Governor Schwarzenegger III (because literally everyone in the future, I mean right now, is named like that), was the most successful political move of his career, following up the infamous 2063 bill that has been affectionately named “%$#@ &^#^ *&@!!!,” and also sometimes “%$#@!”

Benton County Committee Gridlock
The Benton County Committee for Committees has announced that they, at long last, have found themselves in complete and total gridlock.

“We can’t get anywhere. Couldn’t even get the coffee made. I love it,” said member Rob Goffins Jr. “We’ve been struggling since our founding in 2018, and the day has finally come. See this party hat? Yeah, baby. Yeah!”

Without approval from the Committee for Committees, new committees cannot be formed. Without those committees, other committees cannot start the long and arduous process  towards an eventual decision in policy. Basically, in our current state nothing will be getting done, ever. And doing nothing has never looked so sexy.

To celebrate this momentous occasion, citizens in Benton County have been invited to the first annual Benton Sit-in, during which time everyone will sit on their a*s and do jack all for at least a month. Do you have an armchair critic in your household? Well, the Corvallis Advocate has an app for that. We’ll be erecting a long antiquated software infrastructure called “E-Mail” that you can use to lob horribly misspelled messages at us that only serve to prove your lack of reading comprehension!

 For more details, please plop yourself down on the couch and sit really still.

By D’Artagnan Beaver

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