As the State Turns…

stateturnssymbolThe Donald Brings Wrath of China to Corvallis
“It was just a phone call at this point. It signals the fact that he accepted a congratulatory call. I know that China has a perspective on it, I know the White House and State Department probably have a perspective on it and certainly Taiwan has a perspective on it, but the President-elect’s perspective is that he accepted a congratulatory call.”

These were the words of an elite Trump stormtrooper on Fox News Sunday, but I’ve got the translation for you: “Donald Trump is a malignant force of stupidity, who is opening up a cabinet position so someone can be hired to follow him around and dab the drool off of his rubbery, orange chin.”

But what does this have to do with Corvallis? Well, as you surely know at this point, Trump and Taiwan’s president Tsai Ing-wen called each other, and after getting several busy signals on both ends, one of them managed to dial first, so they spoke. This pissed off China because of the Qing dynasty and some stuff like that, so they’ve abandoned all foreign policy hope and started cashing in their chips. While one branch of the Chinese government concentrated on collecting the $1.157 trillion we owe them, the other focused more on… local matters. Like Corvallis’ Tibet House mural.

If you recall, back in 2012 the Chinese consulate in California reached out to then Corvallis mayor Julie Manning and was like, “Dude, wtf?” in relation to a mural on the Tibet House depicting a monk setting himself on fire. Manning, of course, was all like, “STFU, #kissmya*s” and they apparently then flew all the way to Corvallis just to have Manning say, “RTFM, #sorrynotsorry.” After that I guess they found something else to do. Until now.

But it’s classified so I can’t talk about it. Please send all inquiries to current mayor Biff Traber, #dontactuallycontacthim.

Would You Like Your Check Now, Sir?
It has been six months since Union Pacific unleashed the Bakken… and you don’t know how long I’ve been waiting to say that. Okay, so it has been about six months. Anyhow. Their train derailed near Mosier (quick, pretend you’ve heard of it) and it went boom and people evacuated and a Native American burial ground was desecrated and the water supply of millions was destroyed… Wait, nevermind. That’s North Dakota.


Cleaning up such a mess was bound to cost a lot, right? Yep. An email procured by The Columbian shows an estimated $8.9 million to shove all of these toys under the bed really quick—to quote my most recent experience with actually cleaning up after myself. Lord, I miss 1987.

So that’s a lot, and now you know. Next.

Oregon ‘Assaults’ Absenteeism
School and missing school go hand in hand. I turned 18 two months into my senior year and quickly discovered the joy of signing myself out. And then, of course, I failed all of my classes and was stuck in night school, whose “work at your own pace” policy allowed me to graduate two months early. Though it may not sound like it, the lesson there was… well, I don’t know. I just started rambling. Point being, Oregon has a big problem with kids missing school, as is detailed by a state report on the matter that shows about a fifth of all students missing at least 10 percent of each school year. Just between you and me, that sounds like amateur hour, but what can you do? Millennials. Back in my day, I once took a week off to watch Sponge Bob Squarepants and eat Spaghettios. Turns out if you buy a bed pan and move the TV into the kitchen, you can live your whole life from a single chair.

So what’s Oregon going to do about this problem (which is apparently among the worst in the nation)? Punish the Millennials for not skipping school properly? Not sure. The report talks a lot about kids without transportation, or those suffering from bullying, etc.—not much about kids who’d just rather be doing something else. The idea is that they’ll slowly institute policies that will treat the situation more like the way they treat behavioral shenanigans, or special education. Screening, public data, etc. Nothing in there about getting rid of standardized testing, increasing arts and music funding, or putting a Double Dragon machine inside the cafeteria. I certainly would have showed up more often if there was a little Bimmy and Jimmy action.

Needless to say, I’m skeptical. But in a messed-up system, you do what you can.

By Johnny Beaver

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