As the State Turns

stateturnssymbolA Message of Change
National news… state news… news you can’t get away from, Donald Trump, of all ridiculous things, was elected to the Orange, I mean Oval Office. In just the few short days since we all collectively went “What the f*ck?!” there have been a number of online petitions, Facebook posts, and memes that clearly threaten to turn the tides on Trumpo (trying new nicknames… I want in on the ground floor). Like what? Well, duh! The call to take Oregon, Washington, California and a few other states off the map, by way of secession! The new Cascadian nation would take a large chunk of the US economy and agriculture and stuff and really teach everyone a lesson. Also, there’s the Change.org petitions that are all like, “Hey, electoral college, change your mind,” or ones to ban the electoral college outright (rather than just address winner-take-all stipulations), or even to help turn out the vote for Baja Blast, because while Pitch Black is good, we’d much rather have the tropical thunder of Baja Blast on our local supermarket shelves. Can youuuuu dig it?

I can dig it. And that’s why I’ve got some other suggestions that should be just as effective:

1. Amend the constitution to allow for election do-overs. Or if you’re feeling fancy, refer to it as a mulligan.

2. Distract from the positive messages of ongoing protests by vandalizing small businesses, starting fires, and throwing feces at the police. Mainstream media does a really good job of making this look like it is all that’s going on, even if it’s just a handful of you.

3. Make a concerted effort to agree or disagree with things without knowing anything about them, or being willing to be critical of yourself and those that fall in line with what you want to think. This is probably the best tactic out there to keep the effective measures of change rolling out, all the while closing our deep cultural divide.

4. Ask Anonymous to do something—because they’re obviously a powerful organization, and not just a bunch of teenagers on 4chan.

5. Give me all your money. This isn’t related, I’m just really broke. Also, I’m not being sarcastic with this one.

Speaking of Number Two…
During the Portland protests the other night, some dude hopped out of a car and started shooting, hitting a man who is thankfully now recovering in Portland Hospital. Portland police are saying that they believe this to have been gang-related. The media can’t seem to say anything about this without falsely connecting it to the demonstrations, so why should I do anything different? Don’t say self respect—I’m not at home right now and I’d hate to have to call my wife and have her look for it. She gets really cranky.

There was some other shooting-unrelated stuff, such as on Friday when police fired tear gas canisters to help direct people away. From… places, I guess. Apparently they confused “marching protest” with “parade,” because they issued a sort of hilarious statement to the effect of “Well, we gave them an approved route, but they didn’t follow it.” What happened, nobody got the memo? Someone didn’t file the damn TPS reports again. Geez.

The Malheur Gang Is Back…
One of them, anyway. The last holdout, human turd David Fry was in need of a long vacation after his stressful trial and subsequent acquittal. Where to go, where to go… Disneyland? Too classic. The Caribbean? Nope, not rustic enough. How about a trip to federal prison? Wishful thinking (on my part). Oh, I know! How about the *&^$@! Malheur Refuge!

I honestly wish I were joking but that’s just what this idiot did. He released a video on his YouTube page where he points out that it’s still closed, how there are guards up, and mentions a bit about people who are “claiming” they are too scared to work there anymore, so they’re moving. Yeah, they’re just making it up so they could uproot their whole lives for the hell of it and nobody would be the wiser.

Best quote from the video: “This is where the locals live that were terrified, look at all the locals.”

Or maybe it was the part where he said “Moo” and asked the cows if they had been scared.

If you want to take a look, here it is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ne9k0txO88Y.

By Johnny Beaver

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