As the State Turns

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stateturnssymbolAmmon the Hut
On your typical day, I learn something. Often it manifests itself as something that I should not do. Today? Three things:

1. Ammon Bundy uses a Macbook by choice.

2. Ammon Bundy looks like he’s got a serious Vitamin D deficiency ($10 if you can name what film this is from and who said it without Google. Also, the $10 was a lie).

3. Ammon Bundy’s defense is expertly throwing everything and the kitchen sink at the court trying to find a loophole through which to kick the prosecution in the nards.

As per the third item. Their most recent cannonball is an accusation to the court that the government lied about Facebook evidence. Extremely long story short, the defense is all like “You said you got rid of this stuff at so and so time, but you didn’t.” The government then said something like “Oh sh*t, yeah the court documents do kinda show that, but blah blah blah here is our explanation.”

You can find this explanation online, along with collections of fine chocolate, air mattresses, and Unicorn Bone Dust (which cures cancer) from David Icke, all on the World Wide Web.

Also, there might be some kittens and pornography.

Bundy Jurors Selected
Eight women, four men and another eight alternatives, which all add up to 12, minus the alternatives.

Demographics: mostly white – a shocker, I know. One lady says she doesn’t read the news and lives in a world of “art.” Then there’s a male firefighter from Baker City (who stated that the refuge occupation occurred in his “backyard,” to whatever end), and a Mormon mother.

Next up are four people from Portland, an African American guy…

You know what, nevermind. This is horribly boring – sorry about that.

Complete Dipsh*ts Topple Famous Rock
Whether or not you’re familiar with the 7 x 10 foot “duckbill” rock of Cape Kiwanda State Natural Area in Pacific City Oregon, it doesn’t really matter. It’s been destroyed, forever. The fact that a number of walking dildos were able to push it over makes it clear that the natural monument was doomed anyway, but that makes about as much difference as something that makes no difference – which is zero difference. Being made.

For a while the toppling was actually interpreted by park gurus as natural, until the now famous “Aha!” video was released by film extraordinaire David Kalas to The Oregonian. Thanks for not sending it to The Advocate first, jackass!

Anyhow. After being confronted, the doofus squad explained their actions as an act of safety, because the rock had somehow resulted in their friend’s broken leg. Personally, I’ve never seen a walking, talking turd break its leg, but oh well. As per the previous section of this text, you learn something new every day. As for safety concerns, it is important to note that one must first jump a Gandalf style “Thou Shalt Not Pass!” fence to even get to the damn thing…

…which, apparently, people do did all the time. The Duckbill itself has been famously photographed by amateurs and professionals alike. In fact, there have been many stories in local and state news about people climbing on it for photos. Some of them cite the total of six people that have fallen to their death in the two years.

Some media outlets have made the statement that perhaps it was an act of safety, all tongue-in-cheek, but uh… well… technically, yes. But it’s sort of like someone breaking into your house and stealing anything sharp. Actually it’s not really like that at all. Damnit.

You win some, you lose some.

Goat Yoga – It’s a Thing…
…and it is too close for comfort, says I. Lainey Morse of our dear neighbor Albany owns a farm that has embraced the wave of the future: Goat Yoga. Yes, you read that right. Recurring yoga events where you… you know, do yoga… with goats. Because this is Oregon, of course.

Now, the last time I had a goat (I grew up in Lebanon, what can I say?) I found myself trapped in the corner of the room about three times a day, an opened umbrella fanned out to protect myself against unstoppable headbutts of doom. And I was just a baby.

I put on some safety gloves and took a look around the web at different accounts of these goat yoga happenings. One will see numerous photographs of humans engaged in therapeutic yoga activities, all stretched out in what seems to be inverted karate moves, goats all over the damn place, not delivering spine-shattering headbutts. Obvious photoshop.

Anyway, I’m a fair guy – and besides, it’s your funeral. If you’re willing to brave what looks like utter bliss with the world’s natural, admittedly adorable garbage disposals… you’d better sign up and early. All accounts seem to point to a miles-long waiting list. Some web links I found associated with the phenomenon were broken, but the following should get you close to the (bloodcurdling, gladatorial) action! (email connected to Lainey Morse, the woman in charge!)

By Johnny Beaver

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