Another One Bites the Dust
If you’re wondering whether or not I just referenced Queen, I did. I’m just that good. But as for the news, Oregon’s Health Co-Op has taken a dump after suffering $18 million in losses. “Oops, we got more claims than we expected” seems to be the general response, which hasn’t stopped the feds from being like, “Hey, hey guys… give us our million dollars for your risk adjustment program. Or we’ll kneecap your as*es.”
The immediate effect is that around 20,000 Oregonians will lose their insurance polices as we roll out of July and into August. While there will be a special enrollment period opened up for them, they’ll still get stuck paying a premium before it would kick in.
Though some patrons are feeling a little unfresh about the whole encounter, most are just sad that it’s going. “It was my favorite Co-Op. The insurance was marked up quite a bit, but the people were totally rad. All my best yoga friends, I met them there,” said some person I made up in a sad attempt to make a co-op joke.
Cool Guy Pulls Gun at Portland Rally
Oh, Michael Strickland, you lovable as*hat. This was the joker that whipped a gun out at a Black Lives Matter rally in Portland recently, panning it over the crowd like a bigger, stupider, more inbred Dennis the Menace. (You learn something new every day, right? You’re welcome.) Of course he was caught on camera doing this, providing both tough guy stills and full motion video to the police department. Oh yeah, and there was a plain clothes cop standing right there, who Strickland also pointed the gun at. Oops.
Clearly misunderstanding his right to bear arms, Captain Commando here came strapped with a fully loaded Glock 26, round in the chamber, and five extra magazines of ammunition on him. Also a cute little pouch that sort of looks like a Warlock’s dust bag. Because they have those and stuff.
And that, folks, is how you unlock the $250,000 Bail Achievement Award. Additionally he went all “ooga booga” on some people at a vigil for the Pulse nightclub shooting, reportedly making threats. Threats that involved Strickland harassing someone with calls and text messages containing racial nonsense.
To increase the comedic flair, his lawyer, Jason Short, has claimed that the bail is crazy. His explanation is that Strickland is a journalist and has been assaulted before, so he carries his gun (and tons of ammo) to these kinds of events. Of course, by journalist he means that Strickland is some dude that aggravates protests and posts related videos to YouTube under the name “Laughing at Liberals.”
Short also points out that Strickland has no criminal history and has a concealed carry permit for his gun. Though, last time I checked, “concealed” didn’t mean “take it out and aim it at a bunch of people for no other reason than the fact that you’re a hateful turd of a man.”
Train Derailment Update
It has been weeks since that oil train derailed, and state media is still all over it. After speaking with some of my contacts, I have secured some information that might concern you:
1. It’s still the same train.
2. It still derailed.
3. There was still oil on it, in the past, when it crashed.
4. Trains travel along rails.
5. I had nachos for lunch, and they were very unsatisfying.
By Johnny Beaver