Curtis Monette, Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 8:30 p.m. Free
It’s your monthly looping, shredding jam madness with one of the most reliable acts in town, Curtis Monette. And with as much as I push his monthly gigs in these pages, I feel like I almost deserve some credit on this bill. How about Curtis Monette and The Cough Men? Or Big Curt & Wacky Y? I’m just spitballing here, people. Stop me when I land on a good one… anyone? Alright fine then, be that way. As long as you go to this show, and tell Curtis it’s because you read about it here. Or fine, just be a d*ck then.
Rough Jazz, Calapooia Brewing, 140 NE Hill St., Albany. 7 p.m. Free
Rough Jazz is awesome, and I love jazz music no matter what anyway. So don’t incur my not inconsiderable wrath by ignoring this show. It’s free jazz at one of the best places in Corvallis or Albany to get a beer. Beyond that I don’t know how to get you to go to this show. Ooh ooh, they also play funk and fusion. Did that work? You know, it just occurred to me that I may be the worst promoter in history…
Paper Wings, Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 10 p.m. $5
These two young ladies can play. Emily Mann and Wilhelmina Frankzerda play what can only be classified as Americana, and yet… I don’t hate the piss out of it. They’re really terrific, blending vocal harmonies with simple melodies from the violin, banjo, and guitar. They’re just wrapping a short West Coast tour, and what better way to finish than with a stop at Bombs Away? I mean, I guess a final stop at Wembley would probably be more impressive, but they’ve still got plenty of time in their careers. Plus this Americana thing is really taking off…
Doug Meyers and Gratitude, Calapooia Brewing, 140 NE Hill St., Albany. 8 p.m. Free
The Gratitude Jazz Band is a Corvallis staple. Which means if you’ve ever heard of them or seen them play before, you know exactly how important they are to the cohesion and functionality of the town that we’ve all grown so accustomed to. If you haven’t heard of them or seen them play before, then I guess I can basically say anything I want about them and you’ll sort of believe it, because you’ll have no choice. Well every member of this band is over six feet tall and the clarinet player has a rare disorder that makes lasers shoot out of his eyes if he doesn’t wear special sunglasses. So I guess you’re pretty intrigued now, I mean how often do you get to see a band of giants play jazz and also have special powers?
Dr. Neon, Mons La Hire, A Gearbox Heart, Banner’s Raised and Will’s Odyssey, Cotton Dog Farm, 2520 NE Hwy. 20, 8 p.m. Free
It’s the last show at Cotton Dog Farm, and if you’re one of the literally dozens of people to attend a show there and marvel at the lack of satanic altars and fresh graves in the backyard, then you’re surely shedding a tear right now. But at least we can send CDF out on a bangin’ note with this all-star lineup of local punk rock. Mons La Hire has been playing around a lot and has turned into one of my favorite local bands. Dr. Neon and Gearbox Heart are both local stalwarts who have throngs of loyal fans. Banner’s Raised (Are you guys 100% sure on that apostrophe? Just checking…) and Will’s Odyssey are probably less well-known around here, but they should hold their own on this bill. It’s another kicka*s show from Corvallis DIY. By the way, does anyone know why Corvallis Demonically Inspired Youth are so into giving free shows? What? That’s not what DIY stands for? Holy sh*t bro, you just blew my mind…
Drag Rag, Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 9 p.m. Free
What if local heavy hitters from Radion and Browntown decided to join forces to f*ck some sh*t up? The only possibility is Drag Rag, obviously. Or straight up rioting in the streets. Let’s do this mess, Corvallis. Drag Rag is here to melt faces and trash spaces. I plan to be there and I’m going to be wearing riot gear, just in case things get awesome. Also let me take this opportunity to invite all these kids who go to hear the DJs spin the electronic musics. Bring your moronic and visually offensive outfits, your molly and your sense of “rhythm” on over to Bombs and get some rock. Just to be clear, when I say “rock,” I mean “rock ‘n’ roll,” not what you were thinking, club kids. Just stick to the molly for now…
Picasso at the Lapin Agile, Majestic Theatre, 115 SW 2nd St. 2:30 p.m. $14 to $16
I would go see a Steve Martin play under almost any circumstances. Even if it was being performed by a group of skinheads and NAMBLA members, I’d be all “separate the art from the artist. Separate the art from the artist…” I’m so stoked for this production, I’d go see it if it was starring OJ Simpson and Scott Pederson in the roles of Picasso and Einstein. So you can only imagine how excited I am to see this play being put on by the non-murdery and otherwise completely un-horrifying people over at the Majestic. And you can obviously look forward to seeing this quote used on the Majestic website to promote the play: “Come to the Majestic to not get murdered while seeing Picasso at the Lapin Agile!”
Anderson & Roe, LaSells Stewart Center, 875 SW 26th St. 4 p.m. $20 online, $25 at the door, free for students under 18
Oh world class piano duos? Eh… If only these two could play something a little more… off the beaten path. I don’t want to say they’d be better and more warmly received if they were an Americana act, but let’s just stop BSing each other Corvallis; you’d rather go to a folk duo from Iowa that nobody’s ever heard of playing in a Honey Bucket on the side of the road than see Rachmaninoff’s reanimated corpse rise to play his own Etude in E flat minor on a church organ at First Methodist. So if you have any idea what the hell I’m talking about, you understand that tickets will likely be available to this show up until the last minute, and you shouldn’t miss it. Also, it would behoove you to pretend you’re under 18 and in high school, as it will save you $25 on admission…
Bryson Skaar, Imagine Coffee, 5460 SW Philomath Blvd. 7 p.m. Free
Holy sh*tballs. I just came up with a trillion-dollar idea and I’m going to go ahead and launch it out into the public thought-space with no intellectual property rights protections. Here we go: what if there was an app that helped the elderly single-and-ready-to-mingle population connect with each other at local free music events? If you’ve ever been to see Bryson Skaar play his panty-melting brand of jazz piano, and seen the rather… ahem… seasoned crowd in attendance, you understand the necessity of this app. You’ve heard of Tinder and Grindr; well, now it’s time to meet Remindr, the hook-up app for blue-hairs. Yeah, I’m sort of a genius.
Human Organ Bazaar, Avery Park, 1310 SW Avery Park Dr. 6 p.m. Free
Have you been smoking/drinking/watching CBS sitcoms your whole life? Then you’re probably in need of at least one, if not several new organs. You’re in luck, because I’ve organized a place for the community to gather, have a nosh, meet ‘n’ greet and of course, negotiate fair price for private human organ sales. You might be asking yourself, “Is this a safe place to find that new gallbladder I’ve been after?” The answer is unequivocally yes. But more importantly, I’ll be bringing a Crock-Pot full of pulled pork, so somebody bring some rolls. Corvallis—it’s not just for folk music anymore, baby!
Deepak Chopra, LaSells Stewart Center, 875 SW 26th St. 7:30 p.m. $49 to $175
Did Deepak Chopra ever consider opening up a boutique private practice for the crazy-rich celebrity clientele that no doubt view him as some sort of modern day prophet? And if so, did he ever consider calling it The Chop Shop? Because if the answer to either of those questions is “no,” I am calling bullsh*t on this guy being some sort of a genius. This talk also has the distinction of being the most expensive event in Corvallis history, with a Superbowlian price tag of as high as $175. You know how many Community Movie Nights you could attend with $175? Literally an infinite number.
Community Movie Night with Ygal Kaufman, Darkside Cinema, 215 SW 4th St. 7 p.m. Free
I try to put on amazing movies for you each week, but sometimes if the names attached aren’t big enough, some of you just don’t turn out. I hate to put you on blast like this, Corvallis, but let’s face it; you’re a bunch of shameless starf*ckers. Well good news, because this week’s installment of CMNYK is featuring more stars than a documentary about Stephen Hawking playing with the volume turned off and synced up to a Kanye album. Which is to say, there’s a lot of famous people in this one. It’s Stage Door Canteen (1943) and if you like the big names, here we go: Katharine Hepburn, Tallulah Bankhead, Kenny Baker, Ralph Bellamy, Yehudi Menuhin, Paul Muni, Ethel Merman, Otto Kruger, Jean Hersholt, Merle Oberon, George Raft, Johnny Weissmuller, and more. So basically if you miss this show, you’re a straight-up dummy.
The Co-Founder + Ben Blair, Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 8:30 p.m. Free
The Co-Founder is a singer songwriter out of Bellingham, WA, and he comes to town with one of my favorite local acts in support. We haven’t seen Ben Blair in a while, but he’s one of the more fun and unpretentious folk acts in town. Will he be co-founding something special at Bombs this Wednesday? You’ll have to show up to find out. Blair and the Co-Founder make for the rare perfect match on a bill at Bombs where they frequently like to spice up the lineup by having an Americana act open for a rap-metal band because who wants to stay to see both bands at a show, right? But seriously, go to this one. It will be great.
OSU Chamber Ensembles Concert, First United Methodist Church, 1165 NW Monroe Ave. 7:30 p.m. Free
How many chamber ensembles could OSU possibly have? Enough for a stellar night of classical music, apparently. FU Meth has got the goods this week with an impossibly well-priced night of music. If the pews aren’t filled for this one, I don’t know what to say for you, Corvallis, other than that you have no taste and very little culture. I know that was rather harsh, but in the actual era of chamber music popularity, I think they would have boxed your ears and confiscated farmland from you, so this is comparatively tame.
The Raccoons, Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 9 p.m. Free
This folk act out of Salem is just upbeat and bouncy enough for you to go to the show and come out thinking you got your money’s worth. And the same cannot be said about many folk acts. Most of the time you’re looking for a partial refund on the cover charge and/or fist fighting with the bassist in the parking lot after the show. Not with the Raccoons. These fun-loving and handsome young gents are here to spark a fire in your heart with the sparkly glint off their teeth when they smile wide on stage… or so a more bizarre and unhinged writer than myself might put it. Also there’s a 60% chance these guys follow you home and tip over your trash cans, get it? Because raccoons love meth.
Marys River Grange Movie Night, Marys River Grange Hall, 24707 Grange Hall Rd., Philomath. 7 p.m. Free
It’s Bob Hope on the big-ish screen at the next installment of Philomath’s medium popular free movie night. We’re watching My Favorite Brunette (1947) with newsreels, cartoons, and other goodies. It’s just like Community Movie Night with Ygal Kaufman, only it’s exactly the same and it’s at the Marys River Grange. Church pew seating, fresh unlimited popcorn for $1, getting to meet the wonderful people that make up our community, and it all happens at one of the coolest spots in town? There is literally no downside to this… other than the lottery. Look, in order to ward off the evil spirits that kill free movie attendance, we randomly select one person from the audience at each screening and take them outside to be ritually stoned. I know this sounds harsh, but we’re a small tight-knit community with old ways… Wait, why are you hippies getting so excited? Oh I see. No, not that kind of stoned…