Family Mansion and Cedar Teeth, Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 9 p.m. Free
Family Mansion is an up-and-coming duo out of Portland. And not to be a band name nitpicker (which I clearly am), but how did they settle on Family Mansion instead of Mansion Family? Get it? Like Manson family? That’s what’s known as wordplay. If you’re in a band looking for a great name and not-great press clippings, give me a call. Family Mansion is a solid folk-pop duo with some hints of things that I both like and get annoyed by. Cedar Teeth is a fantastic bunch of rockers and I love the piss out of them, so I highly endorse this show. Also it should be noted that this show is free. Which is a very Corvallis price for a fun night of rocking.
TEDx Ignite, LaSells Stewart Center, 875 SW 26th St. 6 p.m. $25 ($15 for students)
Surely you’ve heard of TED talks. They’re the pseudo-intellectual, sometimes hyper-intellectual, modern substitution for actually putting in the time to learn something in earnest. Are you looking to build a tiny home? How to stop saying “guys” when addressing a mixed gender crowd of people? Wondering if everything you do and say is racist and/or destroying the climate (hint: it is)? Then have I got the series of lectures for you. This one will feature some considerably less famous “TED talkers” than you’re used to, but that probably means there’s a lot less bullsh*t and a lot more actually useful info in this series of talks. Habiba Addo, Chris Barnes, Chinyere Tutashinda, Kyle Hart, and Jonathan Hurst are on the bill.
Vandfald and Bury the Moon, Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 9 p.m. $5
Vandfald is one of the better bands to come out of Oregon. And I dig their name and whole sound, and I’m loving the whole thing. Also, not for nothing, but this band is repping some serious ginger street cred. And I respect it. Their two-to-four ginger-to-normie ratio is just fine with me. Bury the Moon just played recently at the Whiteside to much acclaim, so this show should be pretty great, if you’re into that sort of thing. Are any of you into “should be pretty great?”
Music à la Carte: Sarah Kwak & Cary Lewis, Memorial Union, 2501 SW Jefferson Way. 12 p.m. Free
If you’ve got time during lunch, this free concert series is bonkers. Talented nationally touring musicians come and play dainty tea-time concerts in the well-appointed Memorial Union sitting room. This time around it features Sarah Kwak, concertmaster of the Oregon Symphony, on violin with Cary Lewis on the turntables… just kidding, she’ll be playing piano. Just checking to see if you’re still paying attention. If you only get 30 minutes for lunch, not only will you not be able to fit this show in, but you should also be at your employer’s house with a pitchfork and torch. Thirty minutes for lunch? What is this, pre-revolutionary France? Off with their heads.
‘No Offense!’ Improv Jam, Majestic Theatre, 115 SW 2nd St. 8 p.m. $5
I don’t know what to think about this show. Can I really laugh at humor that is not offensive to someone? Where’s the humor? But maybe that’s just a misleading name. Maybe there really is tons of lascivious and inappropriate material in this show that will be wildly offensive. I do like the sound of an “improv jam” though. I made an improv jam once. I basically just threw a bunch of rotting fruit into a blender and then mixed it with some pectin, sheep’s blood, and the tears of some neighborhood kids. Oh sorry, it wasn’t just an improv jam, it was also a curse ward to spread on our door frame. I like to kill two birds with one stone, which was coincidentally part of the ritual to ward off curses. Aaaaaaaaanyway… Improv jam. Sounds fun.
DJ Rollipolli and The Ritual Noise, Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 9 p.m. Free
I can’t pretend that I normally go for a lot of bass-pumping dubstep and electronic and dance and all that stuff. If I could, I wouldn’t be writing. I’d be acting. And I’d be winning f*cking Oscars for that sh*t. That’s what this show is. DJ Rolli will be spinning hot house or something like that, actually no. That’s a form of jazz. Wow, I’m terrible at writing about this specific genre. The Ritual Noise is out of Portland and they do something similar. Listen, I recognize that I’m an old busty curmudgeon who has no business writing about music if I can’t get down with some of this stuff. So I’m recommending you go to this event, which I can only assume will be filled with fog machines. Will that ruin some people’s dinners? I don’t know, maybe. What do I look like now, a chemist? Jeez. You all need to hit up the optometrist.
Majestic Reader’s Theater: Love in Unexpected Places, Majestic Theatre, 115 SW 2nd St. 2:30 p.m. $12 to $14
If you haven’t been dropping by the Majestic Playwrights Lab, you can be forgiven for being totally unaware of how talented this group is and how fun this night of short plays will be. Bear in mind this is the only thing you can be forgiven for by me, so for all that other stuff, you’re going to want to see your local clergy/police/parents. Love in Unexpected Places will also probably have some bittersweet stories about forgiveness, I wager. Because I’m just that kind of a reckless maverick who bets on risky propositions like if romantic-themed plays will deal with loss and forgiveness. Oh yeah, and sh*t, it’s Valentine’s Day. Wow, you’d think I would have opened with that, huh?
Blues Jam, Calapooia Brewing, 140 NE Hill St., Albany. 4 p.m. Free
If you’re not into seeing Love on Valentine’s Day, perhaps you would like to celebrate the tune of love’s loss. It’s called the blues, you miserable lonely old crustacean. Come commiserate with your fellow cranky old lonelies at the ‘Pooia. This will be an extra special anti-Valentine’s Day installment. Or possibly not. To tell you the truth, I’m just sort of assuming the people who rock out at Blues Night are old, sad, and alone. But for all I really know they’re all happily married and play the blues ironically. You know, the way I act like a complete obtuse imbecile. Ironically…
Bryson Skaar, Imagine Coffee, 5460 SW Philomath Blvd. 7 p.m. Free
The following is a totally true story. Last week at a show I was attending by a few local singer-songwriters, I overheard the conversation of the people sitting in the row right in front of me. The gentleman leaned over to the lady sitting next to him and said, “Do you like jazz piano?” “Of course,” she replied. He then launched into a five-minute sales pitch on how amazing Bryson Skaar is and how awesome this weekly show at the ‘Gine is. I kept wanting to lean in and interject, agreeing with his assessment and encouraging the woman to check it out, but there was never a suitable moment and it’s sort of rude to eavesdrop. But then right when I was about to, an alien pod creature busted forth from the dude’s chest, splattering everyone in the first few rows with blood and Martian amniotic fluid. Okay, maybe not “totally true…”
Monday Night Australian Rules Football, Memorial Union Lobby, 2501 SW Jefferson Way. 8 p.m. $50
Look, I wouldn’t spend $50 to play indoor, full-contact, uninsured, non-sanctioned Australian Rules Football. But that’s just me. And judging by the clothes and haircuts you kids these days are rocking, I think it’s plainly evident that we don’t always see eye to eye. This will be a preposterous and dangerous event that may or may not be a figment of my strangely Aussie-themed dark thoughts. Is it really happening? Guess you’ll have to set aside $50 and plan for disappointment. What I can tell you, is that if you’re not planning on going to see Bryson Skaar play for free at the ‘Gine, you might as well hope there’s something good on TV (spoiler alert: there isn’t) or roll the dice with my mischievous and transparently nonsensical ramblings. Or I don’t know, read a book or something?
Community Movie Night with Ygal Kaufman, Darkside Cinema, 215 SW 4th St. 7 p.m. Free
I know I claim it’s a “very special edition” of CMNYK like every other week. But this is legitimately a very special edition of CMNYK. Here’s the deal: first off, we’re watching Vincent Price in The Bat (1959), which is awesome and thrilling and campy and fun. But that’s not all, Shep from Manhattan on the Rocks and Despite the Whiteness will be playing the hot new CMNYK organ along with a silent short film before the newsreels and feature. Plus there’s an extra special and personally important newsreel in the mix that I’m very excited to screen. This is going to be a goddamn classic. Don’t you think it’s time you joined the sensation that’s sweeping the same group of people who come every week?
Celtic Jam, Imagine Coffee, 5460 SW Philomath Blvd. 7 p.m. Free
It feels like it’s been a long time since I made a basketball-Celtics joke in relation to this event. So here goes. Bob Cousy and John Havlicek walk into a bar. There’s nobody around except the bartender, so they quietly sidle up to the bar and order a couple beers. As they sip their beers quietly, John says to Bob, “ Hey Bob, what was it like to play next to young Bill Russell?” Bob says, “Oh you know, he was fearsome, intense, focused… but still wildly athletic. What was it like to play with him when he was old?” John looked back at Bob and said, “Smarter than a whip and still twice as quick. He was a real leader.” Just then a man walks in with his dog on a leash. “Holy sh*t! It’s John Havlicek and Bob Cousy. You guys are both still alive?” the dog exclaims in a flawless British accent. John turns to Bob calmly and says, “Jesus, will you look at that, it’s a talking dog.”
New Swears, Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 8:30 p.m. Free
News Swears are a fun and energetic rock act out of Ottowa, Canada (not to be confused with Ottowa, Arizona) here to melt face and launch into space. This is exactly the type of not-Americana show I would normally be front and center for. And so I will be front and center for it. Ha, see, that was a head fake. You thought I was going to give a reason why I wouldn’t go to this show and then—bam! Perception shift. I also offer tutoring sessions in how to write this good, so parents, holler at me with your illiterate high schoolers.
The Umbrellas of Cherbourg, Whiteside Theatre, 361 SW Madison Ave. 7 p.m. $5 to $7
It’s a good thing CMNYK and the Whiteside aren’t in any type of competition with these classic movie screenings… because goddamn. It’s another uber-classic at the Whiteside with Umbrellas, one of the most legendary romantic films of all time, starring the immortal Catherine Deneuve. These shows aren’t free, so I still have that, but at only $5 to $7 it’s a steal and a half. Check out this classic on the big screen, and maybe bring your nine-year-old kids to ruin both their night, and everyone else’s as well. I’m a real glass-half-full guy.
Curtis Monette, Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 8:30 p.m. Free
It’s your monthly looping, shredding jam madness with one of the most reliable acts in town, Curtis Monette. And with as much as I push his monthly gigs in these pages, I feel like I almost deserve some credit on this bill. How about Curtis Monette and The Cough Men? Or Big Curt & Wacky Y? I’m just spitballing here, people. Stop me when I land on a good one… anyone? Alright fine then, be that way. As long as you go to this show, and tell Curtis it’s because you read about it here. Or fine, just be a d*ck then.
Rough Jazz, Calapooia Brewing, 140 NE Hill St., Albany. 7 p.m. Free
Rough Jazz is awesome, and I love jazz music no matter what anyway. So don’t incur my not inconsiderable wrath by ignoring this show. It’s free jazz at one of the best places in Corvallis or Albany to get a beer. Beyond that I don’t know how to get you to go to this show. Ooh ooh, they also play funk and fusion. Did that work? You know, it just occurred to me that I may be the worst promoter in history…