Training for the Zombie Apocalypse

Comment Off

Menacing ZombiePop culture tells us that the zombie apocalypse is coming any day now, but are you prepared for it? While gamers and Walking Dead fanatics both think they could handle the impending zombie hordes with ease, let me be the first to tell you it won’t be easy.

Zombies are historically depicted as shambling mindless brutes with an innate ability to tear humans limb from limb, all in an effort to get to the incredible delicacy that is the human brain. They are known to travel in packs and they often use that to their advantage. Power in numbers and all that. They might be brainless, but they have an intense focus that isn’t to be messed with. And if you doubt that this apocalyptic landscape is in our future, take a look at the presidential candidates or let your religious aunt tell you how we’re all headed for the dark times and then you’ll understand what the future holds.

With all that said, people are just not ready for what awaits them in the dark future. We’re here to give you a few fitness tips to keep your body ready for the coming apocalypse.

Cardio is your friend.

Running is key in the zombie apocalypse. As mentioned before, zombies are usually pretty slow. It shouldn’t be that hard to put distance between yourself and the growling walkers. But their defining trait is persistence. Zombies don’t grow tired and it’s hard to lose their attention once you’ve got it. And if you’re facing a horde, it’s even tougher. Running for both speed and distance will bring you a long way (both literally and conceptually). A few hours a day on a treadmill or on your preferred trail will help build stamina, but don’t be afraid to get some speed training in there by running up some inclines, which will build both strength and speed. If you’re looking for a practical way to start training yourself today, pick up the Zombies, Run! app for your smartphone to get a simulated zombie apocalypse in your ears for your daily runs.

Build the right muscles.

General strength training will help you through the inevitable tussles you’ll have with the brain-hungry fiends. Exercises like chest presses, bench dips, and burpees will help build up the muscular strength and endurance you’ll need to really push through decayed zombie skulls. Most of these exercises can be done with limited equipment, so living in the destroyed world won’t stop you from getting those gains.

Train your damn brain, too.

When it comes down to it, the strongest guy in the world could fall to a zombie if he fails to get his mind ready for this world. The first thing to do is to cut all emotional ties to the dead. If you happen to see a zombified Benny the Beaver, you’ll have to push past your love for the guy and stab him through the head or you’ll be joining him in the afterlife. Secondly, you’ll have to hone your senses through a variety of mental exercises. Being able to hear a surprise zombie behind you is just as valuable as being able to take it down with one swing. Train the mind just as much as you’d train your body and you’ll be golden.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure you do it soon. The Internet tells me the Illuminati is about to release the zombie virus with Obama as the scapegoat, opening the door for Trump to take control of the country where he’ll reign supreme as Zombie King. If that’s not a world you want to live in, then train. Remember, no pain, no gain.

By Nathan Hermanson

Be Sociable, Share!

700,000,000,000 WEEKLY COPIES!!!!
300 OUTLETS...

Learn More About The Corvallis Advocate

Post your event
Know of an event taking place in the Corvallis community? Please submit your listing via our "Post Your Event" page.