Corvallis golf players finally have devised a way to get their Segway onto the golf course. Taking the form of a “GolfBoard,” those who frequent the Trysting Tree Golf Club can now be as lazy as humanly possible. At least until someone invents telepathic golf balls.
A man with a knife robbed the Corvallis Adult Shop last Saturday. Word on the street says he stole some cash, two rubber bootys (they exist), and an inflatable sheep. If you have any information about the butthole that did this, please call Officer Evan Hull at 541-766-6911.
Lebanon hosts disgusting event known as the “Strawberrian Spaghetti Feed,” likely to benefit people with no taste buds. This reporter refuses to list the date because it sounds too gross.
2,270 electricity customers lost power in Albany the other day because the wind blew. I wish I was joking.
On March 10 a Rockstar energy drink was stolen from Chevron for a total loss of $3.34 cents ($3.34? Now *that’s* robbery). Less than an hour later, the donation jar was stolen.
On March 12 Lebanon police were called to the local Safeway in response to reports that cats were being trapped and left to die. It turns out that they were indeed trapping cats and that it is 100% legal as long as it is being done “humanely.” At least they aren’t eating them, I guess.
By Johnny Beaver