Local cops and federal agents put aside their cinema blood feuds to totally bust into the Rach L Ray Apartments on Tunision Avenue here in Corvallis, locking up one John Etzel on drug distribution charges. Residents say they’re glad he’s gone, and the cops were all like, “Hold your horses, we’ve still got to get his cohorts!” They brought in McGruff the crime hound and helicopters, and it was awesome. Witnesses report seeing bada*s cops in sunglasses slowly walking away from an explosion without even turning around. Slick.
A man and a woman who were in front of the the Downward Dog in Corvallis attempted to duke it out on May 26 at 2 in the morning (classy). The guy, Christopher Lee Nelson, tackled the unidentified woman just before he started swinging at police who were trying detain him. The only thing that could have made this better is if he had no pants on, or if the Gazette-Times reported this as a bar fight, except they weren’t in the bar.
Authorities in Linn County have expressed concern over several “outlaw” motorcycle gangs operating within Linn County. I knew that guy passed out on his bike outside of Merlin’s Bar in Lebanon was just acting as a distraction for a criminal enterprise.
The Lebanon Log: On May 23, a man was reportedly mooning children near Century Park. Officers showed up, but it was a classic case of he said, children said.
On May 24 a pit bull was running loose. I’m beginning to think that only pit bulls are able to escape and run loose in this town.
It was reported that on May 25, poo poo and vomit were found covering the floor, walls, and ceiling in the Ralston Park bathroom.
On May 26, some kids were reported to police because they were trying to stick their arms out to touch passing cars. I see bright futures.
On May 27, a shank made from a broken broom handle was found behind Uncle Doc’s Diner. Because why not.