Linn-Benton Backwash: Teens N’ Lawyers N’… Kung Fu

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linnbentonbackwash1Remember Corvallis’ Stoned -with-Matches Kid? You know, the kid who burnt down 86 acres of Chip Ross Park last year? Part of his sentencing includes the hire of Salem’s Neighbor to Neighbor, a mediation business, so he can sit down with those affected and get chewed out. Hopefully this chewing-out process will wind up lowering the $300,000 restitution fee his family has been slapped with. Either way, after some months have passed and it is all said and done, Corvallisites will find out whether or not the teen’s family is going to be financially crippled over their kid’s stupid mistake. Not in any way diminishing what those who were affected by the fire have gone through, but I estimate this will say a lot about our community.  

Some Linn County kung fu masters went whoopa*s in Albany’s Riverside Cemetery, damaging a number of plots with well-placed Tatsumaki Senpukyaku. While it seems obvious that this is the end to an ancient and bitter blood feud, Albany police are blaming it on “vandalism.” Those weak, pathetic fools. Also, a note to these kung fu avengers: you should vandalize golf courses instead. They’re for-profit and you can do funny stuff like… eh dammit, my publisher will probably pull my suggestions if I actually write them down.

Half of Albany’s news comes from Lebanon now. I just thought everyone should know that the Democrat-Herald is copying me. They’ll be hearing from my lawyers.

Speaking of Lebanon, are you a lazy bastard (like me)? Then check out It’s a new service where lazy people can like, ask them to go get them food. It’s a husband and wife team, and, I must say, the husband… Richard Duncan… he’s got an honest, sexy smile.

 This week in the Lebanon Log: I’ll be skipping Halloween—I really want those reports to come bubbling to the surface before we dip in. That said, on Oct. 26 three men were arrested for fighting with baseball bats (I’d pay to see that). That same day an officer also pulled a cat out of an air conditioner (because there was a cat in one). When Oct. 27 rolled around, a criminal mastermind’s plan was foiled at Walmart when people were caught filling up backpacks with merchandise and then leaving them so others could pick them up and walk out. Yes, that’s exactly how Mr. Bean would try to steal something. And then on
Oct. 29, some guy stole milk and cookies from Safeway.

By Johnny Beaver

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