Linn-Benton Backwash: Sticking Fingers and Droppings

linnbentonbackwash1To this date there have been no reports of people placing fecal matter in the Little Libraries around Corvallis, making it the most unimaginative community on the face of the earth. People have been putting poop where it doesn’t belong for hundreds of thousands of years, and we can’t even manage to do it once. Shameful. Oh wait, there was a community meeting about clients from Corvallis Housing First using neighborhood planting beds for their fecal matter, nevermind.

Corvallis residents quick to blame the Finley National Refuge fire (which wiped out 140 acres) on marijuana have been reported crying into their delicious Laughing Planet chow after discovering that it was actually caused by sparks from a lawnmower.

A Magic: The Gathering card worth a reported $4,000 to $5,000 was stolen in Albany. Police probably don’t realize it, but the suspect pool, which consists of people that know the value of the card, is going to place the likely location of the stolen item in mothers’ basements scattered across the city. Either that or some idiot is going to try to return it to Walmart.

A teenager in Sweet Home has been charged with attempted murder. According to the suspect, he was pissed off about receiving meth and so he whacked the person over the head with both a pipe and a concrete block. Apparently police found the victim also missing part of a finger, because why not. Circumstances seem to suggest mental instability, which may or may not indicate that he’ll get any help.

Stuff Stolen in Lebanon, Aug. 19 to Aug. 20: Various items from a house, various items from Rite Aid, two pairs of boots, a backpack and its contents, $400 in cash, items from a vehicle, another backpack, a bike, peaches, yet another backpack, a bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, a cellphone, another bike, and two cases of beer.

According to the Linn County Sheriff’s Office, on Aug. 17 a deer was hit in Lebanon and there were “parts of it all over the road.”

By Johnny Beaver

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