Linn-Benton Backwash: Kung Fu Edition

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linnbentonbackwash1On July 6, one Lincoln Tyler Lewelling was found sleeping in a random Corvallisite’s garage, later charged with first-degree criminal trespassing. Talk about sleeping on the job! Er, no, that didn’t quite work. On July 4 and also in Corvallis, a Matthew Kelly was yelling in the streets and then approached police officers in a “fighting stance while flexing his arms.” To be honest with you, I can’t see *anything* here but Sub-Zero from Mortal Kombat.

Last week some other craziness went down in Corvallis when police nabbed Michael Douglas (seriously). He was reportedly breaking glass and beating on the side of a house when the woman inside called  911. This guy was wearing a wifebeater and had two pitbulls with him, who he released on CPD officers (though they didn’t bite, because pit bulls are sweeties!). He then assumed a “fighting stance” (I guess they’re just going to use this term all the time now…) and was hit by a Taser as he approached the cops. The dude then yanked the prongs out and kept going, at which point they sprayed him with pepper spray, more Tasers, and even took to beating his a*s with batons.

Nothing worked. He punched right on through the officers, even tackling one. Eventually backup arrived with some effective juju. In the end, they took him to the hospital (where he continued to spit on people), and now his crazy Hulk a*s is in jail… probably chewing through the bars. A few officers were treated for minor injuries and then released. Ten bucks says he was a resident of Linn County, and had ingested a combination of both booze and stimulants.

The Sweet Home School Board is about to formally discuss random drug testing for student athletes. I just… sigh. Obviously marijuana helped Michael Phelps.

A while back in Lebanon some dude was yelling at his girlfriend, some other dude intervened, they fought and the first dude stabbed the second dude a few times. Well, the trial has ended with a first degree assault ruling against him, and the prosecution seemed to have successfully made it all about the first dude’s aggressiveness and temper. I can believe it. Explosive anger is common due to its relationship with several mental disorders, such as bipolar or intermittent explosive disorder. So he’ll get some jail time with mental health treatment and counseling, right? Er… probably just the jail time. That’s awesome. And that? That was sarcasm.

I guess ultimately, just don’t stab dudes, bro.

 The Lebanon Log: July 4 edition. A new record, with only two reported holiday thefts at Walmart. Several old people called and complained about fireworks that, after inspection, were perfectly legal. A swimming pool was stolen out of the back of a truck because someone just really needed a swim. Some total weirdos were putting water from Cheadle Lake into tanks, and some guy was stopped by police, at which point he hopped off of his bike and ran away to the Benny Hill theme.

By Johnny Beaver

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