Linn-Benton Backwash: Flying Saucers and Derp Edition

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linnbentonbackwash1The Benton County BBQ Cook-Off was held outside of Murphy’s Restaurant and Lounge in south Corvallis this weekend—because roasting a bunch of corpses out in the nasty heat has summer lovin’ written all over it. It was its fourth year as a fundraiser for the Philomath Youth Activities Club, which makes the previous statement sound rude. I’m hip to your game, people. Expect countermeasures.

Corvallis police report for the 795th year in a row that crimes increase on Oregon State University’s move-out date for students leaving campus for the summer.

Lebanon City Manager Gary Marks has received high marks in his evaluation. People driving through the city wonder why (just after locking their car doors). Reports indicate that this evaluation was performed by the Lebanon City Council. Ah, so that explains it.

Local media is still obsessed with discussing ex-OSU coach Mike Riley. If you’re curious as to what he’s doing with himself in his Nebraskan downtime, just punch yourself in the face a dozen times and check out the Albany Democrat-Herald.

Albany police are going to crack down on pedestrian safety by going gangbusters on a couple of city crosswalks. Look out, motorists, bicyclists, skateboard folk, and leg-walkers. It’s time to regulate.

After hearing that Oregonian women will soon be able to get a year’s worth of birth control all at once, several children’s clothing and toy store owners in Benton and Linn counties climbed onto their roofs and threw themselves to their deaths.

The Lebanon Log: On June 5, cones were knocked over at the Strawberry Festival—but don’t worry, someone turned them back upright. Later in the day another turkey caused another traffic jam, and a 63-year-old man was bounced from 7-11. On June 7, a “shredded” shoe was found in a bush outside of Walgreens, and a van ran over a garbage can, perhaps twice (it was “severely damaged”). Oh, and a dog killed a goat. And two separate people were arrested in the Mega Foods parking lot on outstanding warrants.

On June 9… and I swear to all lords and ladies that I’m not joking here… someone reported a large UFO flying around North Main Street and Mary Street. The officer saw a “bright object in the sky” and reported that he or she was unsure as to what it was.

 And… I quit. Please, aliens over Lebanon, take me, take me.

By Johnny Beaver

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