Believe it or not, there was just a Civil War game between the Beavers and the Ducks. I know, I was surprised, too. Ending in the Beavers eating it with a 52 – 42 result… Hey, that’s not that bad, right? I’m even going to resist the urge to say something like, “We knew they’d lose anyway!”
A six-month study into why Corvallis has so few incidents of bizarre crime has resulted in this shocker: people here can’t get out of their self-aggrandizing committee meetings long enough to get drunk and do anything interesting.
Speaking of which, the Corvallis Christmas parade fired up last Saturday for its 31st annual event, marking the 27th year in a row where there were more people in the parade than watching it. Legend has it there was a big Charlie Brown, but not enough witnesses have come forward to corroborate the tale.
Brownsville’s image as “such a cute little rustic town with wood buildings and horses!” continues to be accurately reflected as one Gary Allen Braunberger was just arraigned for predatory sexual acts with a minor. Four of the five counts he is facing are felonies that carry up to 10 years in prison. Don’t feel too bad, though… a dorky-looking Albany woman was just arraigned herself on charges of rape and sodomy.
The Lebanon Log: Tiny Tim (as I’m calling him/her) is in hot water, as he pulled the fire alarm at Lebanon High School on Nov. 20 and the administrators are asking police to pursue charges. Earlier that day someone reported to the police that the Dutch Bros. line stretches out into the street every day—the officers didn’t find an obstruction, but we all know that happens all the ^%#@! time. Even earlier that morning, a woman entered Walmart, put a bunch of items she brought all over the floor, and proceeded to change into a new outfit… before being trespassed by police. On Nov. 23 a homeless guy took a dump on East Sherman Street, telling a responding officer that he was handicapped and had no other option—the officer gave him some bags and hand sanitizer in a gesture I feel is more common than the media pretends. Later that morning police let a man (possibly the same one) sleep in the lobby of the Justice Center because of the freezing conditions. DEM FEELS, BRO. I AIN’T GON’ CRY.
By Johnny Beaver
By Johnny Beaver