Linn-Benton Backwash: Crime and Progress

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linnbentonbackwash1Last Saturday someone treated the fountains outside of Albany’s AAsum-Dufour Funeral Home to a little detergent. It’s entirely possible that the vandals were actually just good Samaritans. I mean, I know I’d love to see a bunch of foam everywhere, disgracing the place where my fallen loved one is resting.

Corvallis police have finished their two-month-long “Tactical Action Plan” (previously known as the Ninja Strike Team) to rid the downtown riverfront area of homeless people—I mean, crime. It’s not like Corvallisites are against the homeless… we just want them to be far, far away. Like Star Wars. Everybody likes Star Wars. The Force Unleashed, baby! Coming soon to a theater near you, where tickets and popcorn for two would buy like a week’s worth of food for a homeless person.

Speaking of the homeless, Alsea just opened up a brand new food bank. Maybe we could ship them all out there…

One David James Brown, a player on the OSU soccer team, stripped naked and starting flogging his dolphin in front of some girl’s residence before he was arrested on Sept. 30. He had been arrested twice before for similar behavior, and while there’s not much to laugh at regarding someone’s obvious psychological problems (aside from their wiener spinning around like a helicopter), what is funny are the extreme lengths OSU has gone to in order to erase any association between Brown and the team. The most glaring example is a significantly altered press release. I get not wanting to be tied to the guy, but this seems a little weird. Are they going to try to censor this article, too?

 The Lebanon Log is taking a one-week hiatus. The fact is, Oct. 2 through Oct. 8 were just a bunch of cars being broken into, arrests for contempt of court, children’s bicycles being taken by grown a*s (the asterisk is actually an ‘s’) men, drug possession, and that sort of thing. Frankly, it’s not funny, it’s depressing. Hopefully next week I’ll be able to report on some of the true crazies from the area that we have come to know and love. Until then, little Billy, I hope you get your Batman bicycle back. 🙁

By Johnny Beaver

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