Linn-Benton Backwash: Crime and Funishment

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linnbentonbackwash1Last week the Milwaukie Mustangs beat the South Albany Rebels in a game of sports balls. Points were scored, giant high school kids jump over each other’s heads, and people in the crowd made a wide variety of sounds. The sports was goods and now it is done. All happy time.

Monroe makes a rare appearance (though it’s always welcome) in the Backwash with reports of a crusty old woman wandering around a Dairy Mart with a huge axe. Employees reported that it seemed to have blood on it, but it was later confirmed to just be red paint. The woman told police she was carrying it for protection, after which they were all like… yeah, how about you leave the axe at home, dollface.

Apparently Linn County’s Department of Health Mental Health Response Unit (also know as… LCDHMHR) is adding a second mental health specialist to aid law enforcement when dealing with disturbed individuals. They probably need a dozen more, but it’s a good start. Linn County is also doing some hiring around the medical examiner’s office, which will bring some sweet relief to one 73-year-old Dr. Gary Goby, who has been basically doing it alone, on call, 365 days a year for almost 40 years.

Jose Alfredo Morales, the owner of that creepy a*s GNA Supplies gun store in Albany, was recently arrested during a raid. Police found illegal silencers and a bunch of sweet, sweet methamphetamine. He’s facing additional charges for selling a gun without a background check – only to a good guy though, I’m sure – and… for being a complete douche. All in all he’s facing multiple class B and C felonies, as well as a class A misdemeanor. You go, guy.

The Lebanon Log: On Nov. 30 some idiot stole the most recognizable truck in the entire city – it had a huge mustache sticker on the front. Earlier that morning an angry customer at Bobo’s shoved a cash register at an employee and took off running when he saw an officer… only to slow down and stop for some Dutch Bros. On Dec. 2 a stinky person stole a set of Axe products from Walmart. Dec. 3 was special in that a total of five separate thefts were reported between 6:30 a.m. and 3 p.m. – doubtfully a new record, but impressive nonetheless.


By Johnny Beaver

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