Linn-Benton Backwash: Apples, Lawyers, and Handmaids

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linnbentonbackwash1The ever-popular Benton County Measure 2-89 went down like the Hindenburg, prompting many citizens to purchase $4-per-pound apples in protest. Also, eyewitnesses describe a number of lawyers jumping to their deaths from downtown highrises.

Some Albany parents have voiced concern about the presence of Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale in the high school curriculum. The book, which has won at least four major literary awards, depicts a dystopian future run by women-abusing Christian totalitarians. Ahhh, I get it now.

On June 6, Lebanon will be having its $6 Strawberry Festival Pancake Breakfast. It is being held by the local Optimist’s Club, which is a great organization. And as a bonus, your body will chemically process those pancakes over just a few short hours, turning them into soft, creamy poop.

The Lebanon Log: On May 15, a man was reported for kicking a dog near Mega Foods, but explained to officers that he was merely singing and dancing down the road. That same day someone called the police because someone was “growing poppies” at a house on 11th Street, but the police found no evidence of poppies… and also, poppies aren’t illegal—I just ate some poppy seeds on my bagel.

On May 16, a man was approached by police after trying to sell his new rap album to people in the McDonald’s drive-through. Two days later a handicap placard was stolen from a car at Walmart, and lug nuts were stolen from another vehicle on F Street.

On May 19, some dill-hole was caught shooting a gun at a board near a Main Street pizza place. Lebanon police decided that an appropriate course of action was to cite him for an unlawful discharge.

 Last but not least, May 20 saw a “can machine” at Walgreen’s burglarized, with $35 worth of cans stolen. Whether this was a carbonated beverage machine, or a can return machine… nobody knows. Could be either, really.

By Johnny Beaver

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