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By Johnny Beaver

Police Reports, Nimby Stress, and a Sad Glass



Campus Crest returns to Corvallis with a bang—well, not really. But the proposal is headed back to the city for review, and the NIMBY crowd are all developing prolapsed anuses as a result of the stress.


A 19-year-old Corvallisite who looks like Ludacris after being shot out of a cannon was arrested and charged with multiple counts of third-degree sexual abuse stemming from grabbing booties and then quickly riding off on his bike. Witnesses report hearing him make the “whoop whoop whoop whoop” sound as he rode away.


Darrell’s famous Bloody Mary is no more, as the Corvallis business will remain closed permanently after a recent sewer pipe turd explosion.


Albany Police bounced a foul-mouthed wanker from an undisclosed property last weekend. I was there and it was exhilarating.


On March 27 in Lebanon a woman visiting Bobo’s Eats and Grog (it’s a real place) stole a lottery ticket… and then cashed it there, also. Where she stole it. Pretty much right around the same time.


According to the Lebanon Express, a pit bull was running “at large” around Milton Street, crapping on lawns and flowers. Please tell me I’m not the only one to just blow my drink out of my nose laughing at the “at large” part of that.


On March 31, a man tried to steal Hot Wheels cars and shampoo from the Lebanon Safeway, but dumped everything out of his pockets as he ran away. Thievery: You’re Doing It Wrong.

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