Linn-Benton Backwash

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linnbentonbackwash1Plans for a Five Guys burger joint and a Sports Clips hair salon for men near 9th Street and Buchanan in Corvallis have been scrapped. Sorry, folks, no overpriced grease-burgers or dorky a*s haircuts by women in referee outfits while you watch “the game.” Mmmm, misogyny! Maybe this is punishment for being a douche.

Some sort of car chase involving the coppers ended on OSU territory on Oct. 23. A video was captured from a dorm window showing the police instructing the driver to lift his shirt up, walk backwards, touch his toes, turn his head and cough, etc. I went to find more details, but daily media seems to be lacking any sort of reporting. C’est la vie, comrades. And we both know I’m too lazy to check in later. Here’s the video for your viewing pleasure:

A woman driving near Southeast Kiger Island Drive in Corvallis had a bullet tear through her window. Deputies found two men who were admittedly shooting behind their house, and despite using a backstop a bullet had ricocheted out into the street. What kind of idiots shoot at a backstop that’s anywhere near a road, let alone concrete? The same kind of idiots that the deputies let go without a citation, instead telling them to find a better location to shoot. This wasn’t mentioned in the local media either, so I guess that’s a thing now.

Some dude that was dressed like he was from the southern water tribe in Avatar rolled up to the Albany Fred Meyer store… and then rolled back out with a $9,575 ring—just about $400 or so short of making it a Class B felony, which can get you 10 years in the clink. Klink? No, clink. Clink is right. Dammit.

The main news slider on the Democrat-Herald’s website was kind enough to deliver this hard-hitting story earlier this week: “Cooler weather mean it’s time to clean your home’s chimney.”

The Lebanon Log: And we’re back! On Oct. 17 a man in a pink wig was walking around Oak Street acting “weird.” When police stopped him, he had a machete strapped to his back. Half an hour later he had shown up at Merlin’s Bar and was “making customers nervous,” so officers eyeballed him until he left. Fast forward a few hours… the dude is running down the middle of Main Street, still in his wig and whatnot, so police thought to themselves, “Hmm, maybe we should take him to the hospital for a hold.” Later that night people were once again reported stealing items from the Goodwill trailer outside of Mega Foods (you know, where that dude was caught whacking off a number of months ago).

By Johnny Beaver

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