Linn-Benton Backwash

linnbentonbackwash1Corvallis residents were once again assaulted with the most excessive web-based ad campaign I’ve ever seen over at the Gazette-Times/Democrat-Herald websites. Now every time I see or hear something about a “holiday shopping giveaway” or a “grand prize,” I get cold sweats and experience anal leakage. Nobody needs a “head start on [their] holiday shopping,” you fools!

Corvallis committees have committed to only wasting half of their time by looking at the parking problem in addition to the homeless problem this past Tuesday. A ninja strike force has been dispatched to find evidence of an actual homeless problem, but hopes are not high. Also, I should mention that this is about the 47,000th time a committee has looked at the issues.

Some a*shole beat up a 21-year-old woman outside of the Pita Pit on Monroe Avenue in Corvallis. She had to get two staples in her head, but is reportedly doing fine. The douchebag at hand, one Dedrick Lamar Thomas, was arrested and charged with fourth degree assault. He already earned himself one felony for punching a woman less than a year ago. It must really suck to be a useless sack of sh*t like that. Maybe we should start a GoFundMe to send him back to kindergarten. Aaaaand… that’s the end of my white knight outrage paragraph.

Another alleged child molester has been charged in Albany, but that’s enough of that because things have already been depressing enough as of late.

The Lebanon Warriors girls’ volleyball team beat the holy hell out of Crescent Valley on Sept. 29 while dressed in pink for their annual “Server for the Cure” night. I have to admit, there’d have been a hell of a lot more room for comedy here if they had lost.

 The Lebanon Log: On Sept. 25 some poor 18-year-old kid was arrested for having less than an ounce of pot, teens were busted playing with toilet paper at Ralston Park, and a veterinarian was… er, bit by a dog. On Sept. 29 police had to escort a 2- or 3-year-old toddler home after she was found carrying a cat in the street; that same day police had to investigate people pissing and pooping all over downtown area businesses’ trash cans. And last but certainly not least, some “juveniles” were caught lying on Main street, oh yes… dressed all in black.

 

By Johnny Beaver

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