Linn-Benton Backwash

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linnbentonbackwash1About a week ago, over 32,000 people watched the Beavers lose to Stanford at Reser Stadium. I sure am glad I had to sit in traffic for that.

Members of the United Steelworkers Union continued their protest last week by moving to the visible Lyons Street bridge heading out of downtown Albany. Several barely literate Linn County residents looked up from their Facebook newsfeeds just long enough to mutter “goddamn hippies” under their breath as they passed by.

Albany seems poised to enact a full ban on recreational marijuana. Apparently the vote will likely take place on the 2016 ballot, right next to the measure seeking to force all women to walk 20 feet behind their husbands.

Apparently the Lebanon Warriors are good at all sports, because the girls’ volleyball squad just kicked the sh*t out of a team called the “Dragons.” Next up, boys’ Pickleball champions will face off against the Washington State Burninators, who were recently spotted burninating the countryside, including several peasants.

Speaking of Lebanon, there’s this awesome program called AVID where high school students speak to middle schoolers on how to succeed in said high school. This really just explains everything, doesn’t it?

Also speaking of Lebanon…

 The Lebanon Log: On Sept. 19, shortly after a hungry man stole a breakfast sandwich from Safeway, three semi-responsible kiddos were counseled by police after they were busted stealing a box of condoms from Walmart. Sept. 23 saw some children get a head start on the season, vandalizing some Halloween decorations on 12th Street. And last but certainly not least, a student at the Cascades School was shaken down on Sept. 24 after bringing a suspicious substance to class… which turned out to be rock candy (because what, crack looks like that?).

By Johnny Beaver

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