Over the weekend many Corvallisites and Alban… Albanists, Albanians… were severely injured after being pummeled by Albany Area Chamber of Commerce advertisements on the Gazette-Times and Democrat-Herald website. I can’t afford insurance, so I had to stick to dental floss sutures and Popsicle stick splints.
Samaritan Czar Larry Mullins has put his money where his mouth is by receiving heart surgery and rehab at one of his very own poorly graded (by the Leapfrog Group) hospitals. In all honesty, though, Mullins has shown himself to this paper to be a stand-up guy over the years, and we’re glad he’s recovering! No, seriously.
Some guy described as Middle Eastern, college-aged, and with a heavy accent was reported after having entered a woman’s house and rubbing his penis on her while she slept (his pants were still on… sorry, I don’t know of a more eloquent way to describe that). The encounter resulted in no injuries and she was able to expel him from her house. Hopefully the next time he pulls this sort of thing someone will kick him repeatedly in the fork.
Six Albany teens have been charged with burglarizing at least 10 locations over the last handful of months. They went down because three of them got caught breaking into a place on Whitecliff Drive, and then three were identified later… obviously because somebody ratted. I guess there is no honor amongst thieves. Also, I feel really good about getting to use that last sentence.
A severe shortage of news in Lebanon has resulted in the Lebanon Express publishing an article about a bar burning down in South Dakota. After searching the text a few times, I walked away without finding a single link to Lebanon.
The Lebanon Log: On Sept. 11, obviously in honor of those that lost their lives in NYC, a man jumped the fence at the new Schmizza Public House and started drinking out of peoples’ glasses before an officer bounced his a*s. Later that night a woman called the police and reported a loud party, but officers determined it was just the high school dance. On Sept. 12 a man was trying to spray people outside of Merlin’s Bar with hand sanitizer (thanks?)… unfortunately later the same guy was caught threatening to slash tires outside of Mama’s Fine Italian Restaurant. That same night people were reportedly stealing stuff from underneath the Goodwill trailer, which isn’t really a crime because Goodwill is kind of stealing it all to begin with.
By Johnny Beaver