Linn-Benton Backwash

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linnbentonbackwash1Well, well, well, I knew you had it in you, Corvallis! Last week a fire broke out in some trees at the McDonald’s on 9th Street. The furious blaze managed to burn what appears to be nine or so perfectly landscaped “trees” (also known as a self-growing fence) and a power line. BAM! Although an investigation is ongoing, I’m going to go ahead and cast my vote that it was crackhead in origin. And probably a Burger King fan.

 Brilliant scientists at Oregon State University have been putting their funding to good use: They’ve created a strain of seaweed that tastes like bacon. The seaweed, specifically dulse, is highly nutritious. Now is when I mention that this discovery took place by accident, and that the goal wasn’t to create something bacon-flavored. Sorry. I just thought I’d support the Gazette-Times by repeating their sensationalism.

 In Albany, the police department is investigating a robbery. Just thought you’d want to know.

 Lebanon’s Warriors, their beloved Midget Federal baseball team (whatever the hell that means), were picked up by their scruff and viciously beaten with a rubber hose… right on out of the championship tournament.

 The Lebanon Log: On July 15, two incredibly smart 11-year-old girls freaked a bunch of people out by pretending they were going to jump off the bridge on Grant Street. Also, four drunk guys were wrastlin’ or something near some horseshoe pits and got a 30-day exclusion tag from all city parks. Oh yeah, and a baby turkey got stuck in a storm drain. On July 16 some guy got punched in the face at a local bar right around the same time two idiots on bicycles rammed into each other and required police assistance.

 Other than that, just your average car theft, Walmart stuff theft, warrant arrest, public urination, horses in the road kinda stuff.

 By Johnny Beaver

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