Linn-Benton Backwash

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linnbentonbackwash1Last week the Benton County Sheriff’s Office, in conjunction with the Bureau of Land Management and the U.S. Forest Service, roped some people into cleaning up a huge mess left by people who like to dress up in tree camouflage and bright orange hats, and have, like, Monster energy drink stickers on their Toyotas. The target was an “unofficial” shooting range a few miles down Marys Peak Road from where it connects to Highway 34. Typical refuse includes bullet casings, shot-up TVs, trash, and copies of Wesley Yoakum’s How to Sex Up Your Cousin.

Betsy Close, everyone’s favorite former state senator, spoke on Monday to a group of Republican women in Corvallis. Afterward she received +10 to her “Preaching to the Choir” skill. Once in the safety of her own home, she peeled off the latex human mask she had been wearing so her antennae could air out a bit.

West Albany High School’s slave labor program, Transitions, continues to be a success. Students man coffee counters and push brooms and whatnot for free—they’re paid in “learning what the work world wants.” There are also associated classes, of course, to help edge out those pesky academics. According to the Democrat-Herald, one Transitions instructor boasted of the success by explaining that one girl didn’t have to do much training at a real job because they had the same coffee machines the school did. SUCCESS.

The Lebanon Skate Park has been open since June 16 and the police haven’t found a single used needle yet. City representatives have requested that Guinness send representatives to authenticate the record.

The Lebanon Log: On June 14, $555 worth of BIC lighters was stolen from the Pit Stop, possibly by the same person that stole milk and cereal from Safeway just under an hour later. On June 16, two teenagers were found forming the beast with two backs on the ground next to their car at 12:49 a.m.—officers “heavily counseled” them (whatever the hell that means). No aliens spotted this week, but what can ya do?

By Johnny Beaver

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2 Comments

  1. Harry Mallory

    “Betsy Close, everyone’s favorite former state senator, spoke on Monday to a group of Republican women in Corvallis. Afterward she received +10 to her “Preaching to the Choir” skill. Once in the safety of her own home, she peeled off the latex human mask she had been wearing so her antennae could air out a bit.

    So nice to see a balanced, reasoned comment on ones political adversary that wasnt full of hypocrisy, (“Afterward she received +10 to her “Preaching to the Choir” skill.”). Im sure being a conservative alone would have been worth a petty comment or two. Im glad you were tolerant and enlightened enough to rise above such remarks.

  2. Johnny

    It’s also really nice to see that there’s at least one person out there who hasn’t realized yet that this column makes heavy use of satire, parody, sarcasm and general funny-business. My congratulations on letting the obvious whizz right by you!

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