As the State Turns: When Everyone Gets Really Stupid…

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stateturnssymbolLunatics Protest Obama’s Roseburg Visit
Hello there, folks. Let’s get this one out of the way, shall we?

So Barack Obama, being the President and all, came to visit Roseburg in the wake (us journalists love to use the word “wake”) of the recent shooting tragedy. Seems pretty legit to me… he’s the President… these were citizens that died… the onslaught of these mass shootings has worked its way into our culture and affects us deeply as a united people, no matter our political leanings. Well, maybe not.

You see, a bunch of koo-koo bananas gun fanatics decided this was a great opportunity to show up, strapped with their favorite bad guy killers, and actually protested the President’s visit because he was coming to push his commie pinko hippy uh… other words… anti-gun agenda, and, of course… of course take all of their guns away. Of course, because what the hell, it’s crazy town, everybody. Drop your drawers and do the worm (actually I can’t recommend that, it will result in injury). The Romans elected a horse to the senate, and we’ve got this all wrapped up in a Donald Trump taquito.

To make things even more ridiculous, a lot of these people referred to Obama’s 150,000th call for gun control reform as “politicizing” the Roseburg deaths. Of course there have been plenty of people using these situations for political ends, but not only does that fail to preclude the politician at hand from still giving a sh*t, it just… but, just, wow people. Wow.

Thanks, Obama protesters, for turning a day of mourning into another circus.

And to those that would dare to make the argument, “Well, if he was politicizing it, then those protesters were defending the honor of the fallen loved ones…” No. No they weren’t. By their own idiotic words, that’s not why they were out there.

Are Signatures Worth More Than Sense?
Very recently Portland Public Schools made the decision to ban school choirs from going to perform at a Christmas festival at the east side Catholic holy zone known as The Grotto. According to statements made by the Freedom from Religion Foundation, who are all but threatening to sue on constitutional grounds if children are still sent, the major problem at hand is that the church is charging $9 per person to access the festival while kids are being used to provide “free labor.”

However, as of last weekend there were nearly 2,400 signatures to a petition started to overturn the school district’s decision. After reading the petition, I’ve come to the conclusion that it sidesteps the entire issue. The petition summary highlights the desire to keep it going as tradition, also pointing out that the religious nature of the grounds have nothing to do with the performances. While the first half is admirable, the second is false by technicality given the nature of the event and the songs being sung. But let’s just leave that right there, as a technicality. Honestly, I’m just not interested in that debate because it’s easily concluded by sane people and seems like it would just serve mostly as a distraction.

Now do you remember a moment ago when I said they sidestepped the issue? That’s right, zero mention of the labor concerns appears in the petition. How effective! I mean, what we’re really looking at here is a school system that didn’t feel comfortable engaging with an event that, good intentions aside (and honestly, I’m sure they were), exploits child labor for profit. It stands to reason that a rectification of that particular circumstance is in everyone’s best interests… school, church, parents, kids, etc. I bet that if you’re reading this right now, you can jot down no less than three to five sensible solutions on your nearest napkin before you next have to get up and take a leak. If you’re on the toilet now, kudos for reading the paper on the john. Wipe your a*s with this page for extra points.

But anyway, we all know how this ends. Time to sit back, crack open a beer (don’t actually crack it open, it’ll break the glass), plug your ears, and go “NUR NUR NUR NUR NUR NUR NUR” really loud until it’s all over.


Pot Statistics Say: Huh?

Get it, because they’re high?

Anyway… first five days of legal pot… over $11 million, with $3.5 million of that in just the first day. We didn’t outperform Colorado, but I guess that depends on your definition of performance. By my calculations, of which I willingly admit I have done none, that’s a hell of a lot of people baked on their couches watching Reservoir Dogs with their minds blown.

 At least I hope that’s the case. I bet some poor bastard put in a Michael Bay flick.

By Johnny Beaver

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