As the State Turns: Stickin’ It to the Man Edition

stateturnssymbolStickin’ It to the Man, Literally
Uh oh. Confirmed by the U.S. Department of Justice, Oregon’s sweetest, most federally federal prosecutor, Amanda Marshall, has gone on leave. Replaced by the ambiguously named Billy Williams, rumor has it that Marshall is being investigated by the DOJ for what might amount to an inappropriate relationship with an employee in her office. And by inappropriate, they mean that someone got diddled (also known as assistant U.S. Attorney Scott M. Kerin) and that act seeing the light of day might have caused a number of politically sensitive individuals to faint, exclaiming, “My word, I seem to be sufferin’ the vapors!”

Previous to the initial release of this information, Marshall had told The Oregonian that she was on indefinite leave due to “unspecified” health issues. Which is, of course, total horse dump.

Drones, Drones, the Magical Fruit, the More Oregon Eats…
Oh, Advocate page on my left… as America soars into a highly droney future, the news media has itself at almost a constant trickle of legislative pushes. To ban, or not to ban… that is increasingly less likely to be the question. Though conspiracy theorists still cower in their bunkers at the slightest hint of a quad-rotor presence, many corporations, non-profits, government groups, and enthusiasts are jumping on board and helping to create safe regulation. And here in Oregon, the industry is about to boom.

Groups such as SOAR, a non-profit organization that supports the drone industry in our fine state, say that many local businesses are ready to hit the ground running as soon as the rules allow it. New drone rules from the FAA later this year are expected to do just that. Are you 17 years old and stoked about getting licensed by the Transportation Security Administration (hell yeah, bro)? Is your drone less than 55 pounds and traveling less than 100 miles per hour? Is it under 500 feet in the air? Then you’ll likely have a green light.

While the first thing some people might notice is an increase in drones that are larger than a baseball and don’t fly into the bushes when the wind exceeds a rip-roaring 1 mile per hour, bigger, better, and more commercial integration into Oregonian society will be sure to follow.

Yet Even More Tuition Hikes
Still fresh off the “UO raised their tuition HOW MUCH?” boat from last week? Good, because Portland State University just voted 10-2 in favor of a 4% hike. Starting this fall, in-state students can expect to pay more than another $300 per year.

Oregon awesomely ranks 47th in the nation in terms of state support for higher education. And why should it rank higher when all of us students can just foot the bill? Hell, groceries aren’t that important.

Better grab 20 credits this term, OSU students. Your day is coming.

Kate Brown Signs Clean Fuel Bill
A very much intensely debated bill that forces companies who sell fuel in Oregon to reduce the carbon content of their products has passed. Environmental groups have cheered the action, including that red-headed hippie girl in PCU. And on the other end of things, state Republicans are still warning about how this will likely increase fuel prices.

Though the implications of this bill will find their way to the forefront soon enough, something is to be said for the political squabbling that is a result of this passage. Republicans have withdrawn their necessary support for a gas tax increase that was going to go toward funding roads and bridges. Democrats say they’ll still find a way to make it happen. Blah blah blah.

So uh… clean fuel! Woo!

Oregon Drug Dogs Retire Early
Randolph is a fictional police dog that sniffs out drugs. He lives with Sergeant McDougal, badge number 002, and they are best friends. He is worried about what his options will be once pot is legal. Collecting the opinions of officials and experts alike, here are the most likely outcomes for poor Randolph:
1. Retirement – better, faster models that don’t freak out when they smell pot are being trained.
2. Reassignment – sent to more archaic parts of the country where pot is still illegal. This means likely separation from Sergeant McDougal.
3. Tossed in a woodchipper – okay, I might have made this one up.

See, the “alert” signal of a drug dog currently constitutes probable cause. But because they can’t differentiate between drugs, that probable cause is invalidated in a pot-friendly Oregon.

The moral of the story? Marijuana is anti-dog. You should be ashamed of yourself.

By Johnny Beaver

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