As the State Turns: Real News… But with a Goonies Reference

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stateturnssymbolOregon Sues Bank of New York, Things Happen

Once upon a recent time, the Bank of New York’s stock took a nosedive. As a result, Oregon’s Public Employee Retirement System and Common School Fund lost a few handfuls of millions of dollars (if you can picture that). You know the deal… promises were made, investors did this, the bank did that, someone gets sued into the earth. And that someone was the Bank of New York.

Right now it’s looking like the state will eventually recoup $15 million (key word: eventually), which is, give or take, around the amount it lost. If that isn’t the very modern definition of a spit and a handshake, I don’t know what is.

In Fondish Remembrance: Measure 2-89
I’ll be honest, folks… I thought it was going to pass. And some of you are going to get angry about this, but my expectation of this ham-fisted approach to solving our problems was deeply rooted in my view of this city as a whole. As it turns out, there are plenty of thoughtful people around here—it just turns out that everyone I know is a total jerk.

And so, 2-89, I bid you farewell. May a version of you present itself five or six years from now that suggests some kind of solution that doesn’t involve botching the facts or bullying people. I love our local organic farms, and even eat from them on occasion when I can afford it. Seriously, may the force be with you, because you’re doing great things.

It’s just that, next time… don’t be such a dick about it. Also, neener neener neener.

The Lakes, Anything But the Lakes
Have you been to a lake recently? No? Me neither. But apparently they’re really low right now. In fact, they’re the lowest they have been in springtime in over 30 years. The weak, pathetic snowpack is largely to blame, and it’s costing marina profiteers (maybe that’s the wrong word) to lose out big time. One marina in Jackson County estimates a loss of somewhere around $70,000. That’s like 70,707 99-cent burritos. At three burritos a day, that could feed a starving person for almost 65 years. And they’d probably be dead by then, so we’d have a burrito surplus.

All because of that goddamn snowpack. The governor—no, not the real one (Kitzhaber)—the stooge, Kate Brown, has declared enough county-situated drought emergencies that it has effectively doubled the number from last year.

Reports have been coming in that suggest people are resorting to extreme measures for their spring/summer fun. Anglers have been fishing in the toilet, and as a result people are having to poop in the bathtub. Skiers have taken to bettering themselves with summer classes, while boaters have begun selling their boats and donating the proceeds to Art Robinson’s Just Drink Drano and the Lakes Will Come Back initiative. I even saw a knee-boarder on a skateboard. It’s chaos. It’s madness.

It’s time for the next subhead.

FAA Does Stuff, Oregon Says Stuff
The Federal Aviation Commission, known to everyone after 9/11 as the FAA, has passed some new rules that make it much easier for companies to engage in drone testing, manufacturing, etc. Less hurdles means more jobs, they say… and in this case, I’m inclined to believe them, because people like to invest a lot of money in new stuff whether it’s smart or not. Whee!

As you undoubtedly know by now, Oregon is a hotbed for drone activity (though I have yet to fly my quadcopter without smashing into my apartment building, let alone get it to deliver me a damn pizza). Long story short, Oregon Grand Warlocks Ron Wyden and Jeff Merkley were all like, “Yeah buddy, drones! Economy!” It is estimated that once new drones range openly in Pendleton, Tillamook, and elsewhere, about 600 jobs will poof into existence; $400 million is also expected to be generated.

Speaking of which, I’d like to know where they keep these generators.

How to Scare the Sh*t Out of Sea Lions
Astoria has a problem: sea lions. Two thousand three hundred and forty of them, to be exact, up from last year’s record 1,420. Sea lions are pretty scary, sitting at least a solid two or three points outside of my “animals I think I could fistfight and still live” list. What to do… what to do…

Oh yeah! Let’s bring in a big a*s fake orca named Fake Willy to scare the hell out of them. The 16-foot fiberglass bada*s originated in Scotland but is being moved to Oregon down from Washington. My first thought was this: isn’t there a more professionally made orca scarecrow to be used? I abandoned that as soon as research yielded one important fact.

 The sea lions didn’t give a rat’s a*s about Fake Willy. I feel like I should somehow marry a Goonies tie-in here to the One-Eyed Willy character, but I’ll spare you the theatrics. Whether this works or not, it’s hilarious and you should love it.

By Johnny Beaver

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