As the State Turns: Kurt Schrader Has Grown an As*hat

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stateturnssymbolThe Plot Thickens
Kitzhaber, Kitzhaber, Kitzhaber. The scandal that’s in the news, but not really… and people pretend they care about, but they mostly don’t. Still, I’ve got to report on this crap. I turned 34 the other day and realized that there are some fully grown adults that look like children to me, so this is no time to start resting on my behemoth laurels. Also I’ve got a word count to produce.

So what’s up with Kitzy now? Emails. Emails are really popular at the moment, and it turns out that a number of his never made it into the state archives because of a ::cough:: technical error ::cough::. Apparently at some point he received a new state laptop, and bang! Zoom! Suddenly a bunch of messages weren’t being saved like they were supposed to. This is all pretty eyebrow-raising, considering the guy is currently under an investigation that’s dumping all sorts of email messages in an attempt to figure out what sort of no-nos Jonathan committed, particularly in relation to his fiancée Cylvia Hayes.

Here’s what I know: A representative of the Governor’s office insists that the missing emails are in Kitzhaber’s clutches, a state technology dude who leaked Kitzhaber emails to the media has taken a nearly $300,000 payoff in exchange for his registration, and… I’m damn sure Kitzhaber would look excellent in some Tex-Mex garb, a cowboy hat, and one of those stringy ties with some topaz in a silver buckle on it. Tell me I’m a liar? Tell me.

Say Hello to My Little Fish
Last week the Food and Drug Administration, affectionately known by conspiracy theorists and… everyone else… as the FDA, approved genetically modified salmon for human consumption. This is the first time this has happened since when the Battlestar Galactica reboot people first grew on Earth, only later to spread out into space, Earth becoming but a legend, and then returning to it to start the cycle over by breeding with cave people. That was awesome.

This industry move is designed to take pressure off of wild fisheries, all while creating fewer environmental problems than regular fish farming. For example, these fish don’t need antibiotics, and because they’ll be grown in tanks on land, none of their… shall we say, poopllution will end up in lakes, rivers, streams, or your swimming pool.

While the FDA reports there are no risks to your gutty-wuts (hence the approval), there’s a large number of people freaking out anyway. Amongst the more sensible are those raising an eyebrow to the possibility of some of the fish growing wings and eyelasers, breaking out of their tanks, finding water and breeding with the common brown… trout.

Brown trouts are real. Noted.

Anyway, all of this is even more unlikely because the fish are bred to be sterile. And if you’re thinking, “Well, this sounds great but like, isn’t this a little unethical and disturbing?” Yeah, yeah it is. Maybe one day we’ll have our own version of headless, nervous-system-less meat plants like Margarat Atwood’s ChickieNobs Buckets O’ Nubbins, but until then… yes, this is kind of messed up. But I guess only marginally moreso than what we’ve already been doing, so… battles… pick them.

As a final note, here’s the really fun part: the parts of these fish you’ll find in the stores (though not Krogers or Safeway, as they’re refusing to sell it) won’t be subject to being labeled as genetically engineered because the FDA was unable to find any material differences between them and other Atlantic salmon. While it’s understandable that genetic engineering on this level is something we’re still trying to sort out in terms of protocol and culture, this’ll make for some fun pillow talk, eh?

Kurt Schrader Dons His As*hat
You know that horrible Republican-led, fear-mongering bill that would require the personal signing-off of either the director of the FBI, the Department of Homeland Security’s secretary, or the national intelligence director in order to allow refugees from Iraq or Syria to enter the country? Welp, our beloved Oregon Representative, Democrat Kurt Schrader, has given it a thumbs up. He and 49 other Democrats are wearing their as*hats in addition to a tidal wave of Republicans, and it’s really just all very gross.

 Dude, shame on you. For being a ^%$#@! moron.

By Johnny Beaver

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